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Still going. Haven't a chance to round up the judges yet. So keep em coming.
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The BladeForums.com 2024 Traditional Knife is ready to order! See this thread for details: https://www.bladeforums.com/threads/bladeforums-2024-traditional-knife.2003187/
Price is$300$250 ea (shipped within CONUS). If you live outside the US, I will contact you after your order for extra shipping charges.
Order here: https://www.bladeforums.com/help/2024-traditional/ - Order as many as you like, we have plenty.
Make me laugh, win stuff
- Thread starter clich
- Start date
Still going. Haven't a chance to round up the judges yet. So keep em coming.
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I admire her determination....
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2011
- Messages
- 993
#1:
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an Old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said.
"So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Uff Da, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English- Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Uff Da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!!"
#2
Excerpts From A Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy - A car ride - My favorite
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy - A walk - My favorite
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Getting rubbed and petted - My favorite
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
Noon Oh, boy - The kids - My favorite
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy - The yard - My favorite
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy - To the park - My favorite
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Playing ball - My favorite
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Watching TV with my master - My favorite
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Sleeping in master's bed - My favorite
Excerpts From A Cat's Daily Diary
Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts... They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time now...
#3 Because I am a Canadian, I had too
A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.
#4
Top Ten Reasons For Being Canadian
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
1. It beats being an American.
Thanks for the contest Cody!
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an Old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said.
"So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Uff Da, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English- Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Uff Da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!!"
#2
Excerpts From A Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy - A car ride - My favorite
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy - A walk - My favorite
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Getting rubbed and petted - My favorite
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
Noon Oh, boy - The kids - My favorite
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy - The yard - My favorite
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy - To the park - My favorite
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Playing ball - My favorite
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Watching TV with my master - My favorite
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Sleeping in master's bed - My favorite
Excerpts From A Cat's Daily Diary
Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts... They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time now...
#3 Because I am a Canadian, I had too
A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.
#4
Top Ten Reasons For Being Canadian
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
1. It beats being an American.
Thanks for the contest Cody!
Official Beckerhead # 187 entry #3: 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
Funny, you be the judge. This is not a made up story, this is true, all of it, as bizarre as it sounds, it is true. I am 48 Yrs old now, my dad has passed on & this happened in the 70's.
I grew up on a small operational farm. We had the most bizarre stuff happen there with our animals. REALLY, the stories are endless but here are a few.
BAM-BAM
When i was small, my dad asked me if i wanted a goat. I asked what a goat was good for. He said it can be a pet, eat the weeds around the farm & if it was a female, you could breed it & sell the babies or if it was a male, you could stud him out. Didn't really know what that meant at that particular time, but i learned soon enough. I picked out a baby male goat, pure white. It was an angora mix of some sort. I fed it with a baby bottle at first, then a giant baby bottle for calves. He grew fast. My dad asked me if i was ever gonna name him. So after a few weeks, because he was always smashing his head into things, i called him Bam-Bam. It was cool while it was little. When he got big, he turned into the goat from hell & i ain't just a kiddin. His horns turned & twisted into a wicked set of horns & swear to GOD that it was possessed by some evil demon. It got mean & evil & even made demonic sounds when he was pissed off. It would growl !!! Yes, you read that right. If you got too close, it would growl like a demon. I saw him many times sharpening the tips of it's horns on the cement side of the barn basement wall. It even hated me before long. It was by far the smartest goat i have ever seen though. At first, we just let him run. He always stayed on the property.
The Nova incident:
So my dad used to carpool with this guy everyday. They would have coffee & then leave for work. My dad warned him about the goat. Told him it was our watchgoat. Well, one day he came over & has a brand spanking new orange Chevy Nova that made the ground & our windows shake when he pulled in. (Now that i am older & wiser, i think it may have even been a Yenko Nova, but not positive). So, he gets out & my goat came running up & smashed him in the butt with his head. Not knowing what to do, he grabs him by the horns & starts screaming "what should i do ?" I hollered "whatever you do, don't grab him by the horns." Too late was all we heard. I ran out in the garage & opened the man door. It was too late, he was already growling. He was still screaming "holy s***, what the hell is that noise he's making ? I said you done pissed him off now. Get him over here by the door than push him back & let go & jump inside. He did it, but he was totally discombobulated from the ordeal. I learned some new swear words that day to be sure. But it was NOT over in Bam-Bam's mind---not by a long shot. So he gets his coffee & sits down at the table. Then we heard it. BAM. A few minutes later, BAM, Bam. He looked out the window & my goat was smashing his drivers side door in. Every time it smashed it, it would look at the house window, as if to see if he was watching. Once he started screaming again, it was as if the goat was trying to just piss him off by doing it all the more. After he got tired he just walked away. That guy was mad beyond belief. I don't know if the insurance or my dad paid for the door, but that was the last time he ever came to our house.
FForward a few years
My younger brother incident:
My younger brother was carrying a bucket of water out to water bam bam. We told him not to. The goat was staked out in the lower pasture a good distance from where i was. I hollered but he didn't hear me. So i started walking out there & could see this whole thing unfold. As i realized what was happening, i started running at full speed. As my younger brother approached, i could see that the goat was circling him with the log chain he was tied up with. The goat created a loop in the chain & when my brother stepped into it, the goat took off running as fast as it could, causing the chain to lift & wrap up his feet & down he went. Then the goat came back, was growling, reared up on it's hind legs for the kill. I hit the goat at full speed just in time & tackled him. If it would have hit my younger brother in the head, i think it would have killed him. I punched bam bam until my hand was bloody. We told my dad what had happened & my mom said thats it, the goat is gone. So, we packed up the truck for the next Springville NY auction & took him there to get rid of him.
The Springville Incident.
So, we show up, unload the goat, they tag him with a number & register him. In a pen he goes. No problem. So we go into the auction area & wait, & wait, & wait. They have to sell all the stuff in there on the floor before they bring livestock into the ring. Well, (& i am NOT being disrespectfull here--this is the truth) they had a mentally retarded guy with a cane who guides the animals around the ring---with the cane. He would tap them a little & get them moving. He never hit them, just tapped them with the cane, thats what it was for. So, my dad & i tell him to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT TAP MY WHITE GOAT WITH THE CANE. He started screaming at us " I know what i am doing, been doing it for 20 yrs, Blah blah blah." So, in comes my goat. He taped him with the cane. Bam Bam stopped dead in his tracks, looked at this guy & started growling. Everyone started laughing. I swear that made him even more mad. The guy taped him again. This time he growled so loud, the auctioneer commented over the PA about it. Everyone started laughing even louder. Then the guy taped him one last time & all hell broke loose. My goat reared up, cocked his head to the side where the guy was, made this awful sounding demonic sound/growl & came down & smashed that guy in the nuts so hard, it sounded like bone on bone. He went down, the goat started circling him, then (luckily for him) something in the audience caught his eye. And with one quick jump, he was in the audience stands & just started plowing people over & knocking them down. I got over there & tackled him again & held him down. I hollered for someone to get me some twine. They did after a few minutes. So my dad & i hog tied him but good. I wrapped it around the rear legs, then the fronts & then to his horns, so his nose was touching his front legs. He couldn't move at all. Back in the truck he went. We got banned from the auction house & was told to never EVER bring that goat from hell back there. So, we kept him in a pen at the farm, on a chain. We put an add in the newspaper. 3 days after the add ran, we got a call. Guy came out that morning, looked at the goat. We told him he had a bad temper & was "high spirited." He said he would be back later to pick him up. I settled on $40. We told him we would deliver him, but he said no.
The VolksWagon incident:
So, this guy (who was a spittin image of Abraham Lincoln, full beard & all) shows back up with a VolksWagon beetle. My dad & i just looked at each other in disbelief. We told him again that we could deliver. He said no, it will be fine, lots of room, i even removed the rear seat !!! So, by the grace of GOD, the goat seemed to be in a good mood that day. We put some hay on the rear floor & he went right in & he tied him up. He paid me & we said goodbyes. About 2 hours later we received a phone call from him. The goat freaked out, broke the tie down rope, broke the rear window out with his horns, smashed him in the back of the head & escaped. Asked my dad & me to help find him. My dad had to go to work & i said no way, we warned him. Never heard from him again or saw the goat again. I wanted to just shoot it after it almost killed my brother but my dad said no. I was so happy to get rid of it. :devilish: & that is my true goat from hell story!
BH# 103.
I grew up on a small operational farm. We had the most bizarre stuff happen there with our animals. REALLY, the stories are endless but here are a few.
BAM-BAM
When i was small, my dad asked me if i wanted a goat. I asked what a goat was good for. He said it can be a pet, eat the weeds around the farm & if it was a female, you could breed it & sell the babies or if it was a male, you could stud him out. Didn't really know what that meant at that particular time, but i learned soon enough. I picked out a baby male goat, pure white. It was an angora mix of some sort. I fed it with a baby bottle at first, then a giant baby bottle for calves. He grew fast. My dad asked me if i was ever gonna name him. So after a few weeks, because he was always smashing his head into things, i called him Bam-Bam. It was cool while it was little. When he got big, he turned into the goat from hell & i ain't just a kiddin. His horns turned & twisted into a wicked set of horns & swear to GOD that it was possessed by some evil demon. It got mean & evil & even made demonic sounds when he was pissed off. It would growl !!! Yes, you read that right. If you got too close, it would growl like a demon. I saw him many times sharpening the tips of it's horns on the cement side of the barn basement wall. It even hated me before long. It was by far the smartest goat i have ever seen though. At first, we just let him run. He always stayed on the property.
The Nova incident:
So my dad used to carpool with this guy everyday. They would have coffee & then leave for work. My dad warned him about the goat. Told him it was our watchgoat. Well, one day he came over & has a brand spanking new orange Chevy Nova that made the ground & our windows shake when he pulled in. (Now that i am older & wiser, i think it may have even been a Yenko Nova, but not positive). So, he gets out & my goat came running up & smashed him in the butt with his head. Not knowing what to do, he grabs him by the horns & starts screaming "what should i do ?" I hollered "whatever you do, don't grab him by the horns." Too late was all we heard. I ran out in the garage & opened the man door. It was too late, he was already growling. He was still screaming "holy s***, what the hell is that noise he's making ? I said you done pissed him off now. Get him over here by the door than push him back & let go & jump inside. He did it, but he was totally discombobulated from the ordeal. I learned some new swear words that day to be sure. But it was NOT over in Bam-Bam's mind---not by a long shot. So he gets his coffee & sits down at the table. Then we heard it. BAM. A few minutes later, BAM, Bam. He looked out the window & my goat was smashing his drivers side door in. Every time it smashed it, it would look at the house window, as if to see if he was watching. Once he started screaming again, it was as if the goat was trying to just piss him off by doing it all the more. After he got tired he just walked away. That guy was mad beyond belief. I don't know if the insurance or my dad paid for the door, but that was the last time he ever came to our house.
FForward a few years
My younger brother incident:
My younger brother was carrying a bucket of water out to water bam bam. We told him not to. The goat was staked out in the lower pasture a good distance from where i was. I hollered but he didn't hear me. So i started walking out there & could see this whole thing unfold. As i realized what was happening, i started running at full speed. As my younger brother approached, i could see that the goat was circling him with the log chain he was tied up with. The goat created a loop in the chain & when my brother stepped into it, the goat took off running as fast as it could, causing the chain to lift & wrap up his feet & down he went. Then the goat came back, was growling, reared up on it's hind legs for the kill. I hit the goat at full speed just in time & tackled him. If it would have hit my younger brother in the head, i think it would have killed him. I punched bam bam until my hand was bloody. We told my dad what had happened & my mom said thats it, the goat is gone. So, we packed up the truck for the next Springville NY auction & took him there to get rid of him.
The Springville Incident.
So, we show up, unload the goat, they tag him with a number & register him. In a pen he goes. No problem. So we go into the auction area & wait, & wait, & wait. They have to sell all the stuff in there on the floor before they bring livestock into the ring. Well, (& i am NOT being disrespectfull here--this is the truth) they had a mentally retarded guy with a cane who guides the animals around the ring---with the cane. He would tap them a little & get them moving. He never hit them, just tapped them with the cane, thats what it was for. So, my dad & i tell him to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT TAP MY WHITE GOAT WITH THE CANE. He started screaming at us " I know what i am doing, been doing it for 20 yrs, Blah blah blah." So, in comes my goat. He taped him with the cane. Bam Bam stopped dead in his tracks, looked at this guy & started growling. Everyone started laughing. I swear that made him even more mad. The guy taped him again. This time he growled so loud, the auctioneer commented over the PA about it. Everyone started laughing even louder. Then the guy taped him one last time & all hell broke loose. My goat reared up, cocked his head to the side where the guy was, made this awful sounding demonic sound/growl & came down & smashed that guy in the nuts so hard, it sounded like bone on bone. He went down, the goat started circling him, then (luckily for him) something in the audience caught his eye. And with one quick jump, he was in the audience stands & just started plowing people over & knocking them down. I got over there & tackled him again & held him down. I hollered for someone to get me some twine. They did after a few minutes. So my dad & i hog tied him but good. I wrapped it around the rear legs, then the fronts & then to his horns, so his nose was touching his front legs. He couldn't move at all. Back in the truck he went. We got banned from the auction house & was told to never EVER bring that goat from hell back there. So, we kept him in a pen at the farm, on a chain. We put an add in the newspaper. 3 days after the add ran, we got a call. Guy came out that morning, looked at the goat. We told him he had a bad temper & was "high spirited." He said he would be back later to pick him up. I settled on $40. We told him we would deliver him, but he said no.
The VolksWagon incident:
So, this guy (who was a spittin image of Abraham Lincoln, full beard & all) shows back up with a VolksWagon beetle. My dad & i just looked at each other in disbelief. We told him again that we could deliver. He said no, it will be fine, lots of room, i even removed the rear seat !!! So, by the grace of GOD, the goat seemed to be in a good mood that day. We put some hay on the rear floor & he went right in & he tied him up. He paid me & we said goodbyes. About 2 hours later we received a phone call from him. The goat freaked out, broke the tie down rope, broke the rear window out with his horns, smashed him in the back of the head & escaped. Asked my dad & me to help find him. My dad had to go to work & i said no way, we warned him. Never heard from him again or saw the goat again. I wanted to just shoot it after it almost killed my brother but my dad said no. I was so happy to get rid of it. :devilish: & that is my true goat from hell story!
BH# 103.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2011
- Messages
- 2,603
Hahaha! Twinstick, if that is true then I honestly hope you win. I was laughing my a** off reading your story, awesome. If that goat had been born a person then god help us all.
Official Beckerhead #187 entry# 7: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
Official Beckerhead #187 entry# 8: *A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"*
Official Beckerhead #187 entry# 10: I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. *I said, Thyroid problem?*
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.*
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.*
Getting it on is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'*
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?*
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.*
You know that look women get when they want nookie? Me neither.*
Why does your gynoecologist leave the room when you get undressed ?*
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?*
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? *I can!*
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?*
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?*
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?*
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?*
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?*
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?*
Who was the first person to look at a cow and *say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?*
What do people in China call their good plates?*
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?*
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?*
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?*
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint *somewhere, you have to touch it to make *sure?*
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?*
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.*
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.*
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.*
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back yard.*
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.*
You never know where to look when eating a banana.*
The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.*
Every man has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.*
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.*
You never ever run out of salt.*
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.*
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.*
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.*
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.*
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.*
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.*
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
*
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.*
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.*
Getting it on is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'*
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?*
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.*
You know that look women get when they want nookie? Me neither.*
Why does your gynoecologist leave the room when you get undressed ?*
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?*
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? *I can!*
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?*
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?*
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?*
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?*
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?*
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?*
Who was the first person to look at a cow and *say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?*
What do people in China call their good plates?*
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?*
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?*
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?*
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint *somewhere, you have to touch it to make *sure?*
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?*
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.*
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.*
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.*
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back yard.*
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.*
You never know where to look when eating a banana.*
The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.*
Every man has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.*
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.*
You never ever run out of salt.*
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.*
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.*
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.*
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.*
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.*
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.*
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
*
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2011
- Messages
- 6,901
Unfortunately due to extreme personal and financial hardships I have encountered I cannot hold up my end of the bargain. Im sorry fellas. It was hilarious and you all deserve to win. Perhaps when things change I can make good on this one. Again I am very sorry.
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- Joined
- Nov 16, 2011
- Messages
- 2,603
No worries man, it's very understandable. We all know that if it were up to you you'd be sending out steel every day.
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2011
- Messages
- 25,991
No problem brother. You take care, and don't worry about any of this stuff. No apologies necessary.
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Messages
- 1,641
We's cool. It was a hell of a fun time just reading this, and like RB said, if you had the choice, you'd probably be throwing steel at us. In the sheath I hope. Hope stuff picks up for you fast, I hate seeing one of the most integral people on the forum not playing with sharp and pointy things. Knives that is.
