Tradewater

Tradewater doesn't shave, but for a fair wage he will hone your straight razor using only his beard.
 
Trade once had a moderate case of "day after" chili farts -- and a skunk killed itself out of shame.
 
Tradewaters bowl of cereal in the morning consists of broken glass shards and boiling hot whiskey.

Tradewaters version of a glass of milk, bacon, eggs, and toast...
Eating a cow, pig, chicken, and a baker(with a thin mustache and chefs hat.)
 
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young tradewater wanted to be a cowpoke -- but they didn't like being jabbed with a finger, so he decided to be a cowpuncher instead.
stupid animals couldn't take a hit, either.
 
Wow.
I killed the tradewater thread -- I think someone owes me some jerky for that favor!
 
For a chrismas tree, Tradewater simply donkey-kicked a redwood and carried it home and decorated it with animal skulls and empty beer bottles.

On a related note, it's Tradewaters donkey-kick that makes santas reindeers fly.
 
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If you utter the name Tradewater in front of a mirror 3 times, it will invoke the power of the tradewater, and he will appear in your dream like the boogeyman. However after such an occurrence even the boogeyman will no longer enter your dreams.
 
If you put your ear to a shell, you can hear the ocean.

If you put your ear to an empty mason jar, you can hear Tradewater whisper "For Barlow".
 
You don't even want to know what comes out the other end!
 
Trade doesn't have to use dental adhesive.
His dentures stick to his gums purely out of fear.
 
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