100,000 Likes Giveaway - Winners Drawn!

[tongueriver]

delete

 

[waynorth]

[QUOTE="Pinemoon,
I have to admit, the math jokes are over my head. That's a subject that eludes me. However, being a former carpenter, people are surprised at how well I can manage fractions. I'm a much better writer. I learned that after going back to school. I had a 13 year break between high school and college. I needed a math tutor for every math class and had to switch majors when I saw how I was struggling and the subsequent classes that were ahead. To my surprise I excelled at English/writing and got a degree in English. Six years later, I published a book:

Book Cover front-1 by Pine Moon, on Flickr

I've often thought it's a left-brain / right-brain thing. Most folks either fall into the math camp or the writing one. I think it's a rare bird that possess both. Of course, your mileage may vary QUOTE]
You missed selling me a book by a few years, Don!! I sent every book on Barns I could find, to my brother, near Buffalo, from Vancouver, and designed a barn for him over the phone (with Fax) in 2003!!
When he got the foundation finished, I flew there and helped him raise it!!
Math joke content:
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.

 

[WHT]

If we are going to do lawyer jokes, I will offer my brother-in-law's favorite lawyer joke. (By the way, he is a lawyer.)

An engineer, a clergyman, and a lawyer decided to check out an island and anchored their boat about twenty feet off shore. When they returned from their explorations, they found the boat surrounded by sharks. They began to debate who should swim out and bring the boat ashore.
The engineer said,"I think I should stay on shore because we may need me to design and build a structure if we are stranded here."
The clergyman said, " I think our cause would be better served is I prayed for the soul of the one who retrieves the boat."
The lawyer said, "Well, I guess that only leaves me, I'll do it!"
As soon as he entered the water, the sharks lined up in two lines and gave him a clear channel to the boat.
The lawyer yelled back to his colleagues: "Professional courtesy!"

 

[WHT]

My favorite engineer joke, also involves a lawyer and a clergyman.
It was during the French Revolution and a priest, a lawyer and an engineer were brought in to be guillotined.
The priest went first but made a request. "I want to die with my face toward heaven so I can see my maker."
The priest was facing upward when the guillotine came down and stopped about six inches from his neck.
The priest shouted, "Divine intervention. You have to let me go!"
The lower stated, I, too, would like to face upward." Again, the blade stopped short of reaching his throat.
"I think I have a legal precedent. You released the priest; you also have to release me."
The engineer stated, "Since everyone else is doing it, I too will lie face upward." As he lay there looking at the guillotine,
these words came forth. "I think I see your problem.'

 

[5K Qs]

Good ones, WHT !
I can post a couple of "comparison of professions" jokes.

This one illustrates that mathematician's often possess a healthy skepticism:
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black lamb through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish lambs are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish lambs are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one lamb in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one lamb is black!"

Engineers and mathematicians often have different worldviews or Weltanshauungen:
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

- GT

 

[arrowhd]

A chance to win a Lambsfoot from Jack Black himself? I'm in!

 

[Headwinds]

A physicist, an anthropologist, and a mathematician were having lunch one day. They began to discuss an apparently deserted house across the street from the restaurant, and finally agreed that it was empty. About that time two people came down the street and went into the house.

Half an hour later, three people left the house. The physicist said, “We obviously made an erroneous assumption about the house being empty.” The anthropologist said, “The two who went into the house obviously procreated while they were in the house.” The mathematician said, “Let me think - Oh yes, if one more person goes into the house, the house will be empty.”

 

[Snodgrass]

A man lost his toe when he dropped his trusty knife on it. The Doctor says: "I have good news and bad news." The guy asks "Whats the bad news Doc?" Doctor: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy" Guy: "What's the good news?" Doc: "You now have tic tac toe!"

 

[WHT]

The black sheep reminded me of another one.

A shepherd was out in the field with his flock when a well dressed man in a Mercedes convertible stopped and called him over.
"That's a pretty large flock you have there. If I told you how many sheep you have, would give me one?"
The shepherd thought a bit and said, "I can do that."
The man pulled out his calculator and said "you have exactly 256 in your flock."
The shepherd said, "That's correct. Pick out the one you want to have."
The man walked over picked up one of the animals and put in his car.
Then the shepherd said, "If I can guess your occupation, would you give me my animal back."
"That sounds reasonable."
The Shepherd then said, "You're a consultant."
"That's right, how did you know."
The shepherd said, "There are three thins I noticed.
1. You made a deal in which all the benefit went to you with no benefit to me.
2. You told me something I already knew. And
3. You know absolutely nothing about my business.
Now will you give me back my dog!"

 

[Cutfinger]

My favorite engineer joke, also involves a lawyer and a clergyman.
It was during the French Revolution and a priest, a lawyer and an engineer were brought in to be guillotined.
The priest went first but made a request. "I want to die with my face toward heaven so I can see my maker."
The priest was facing upward when the guillotine came down and stopped about six inches from his neck.
The priest shouted, "Divine intervention. You have to let me go!"
The lower stated, I, too, would like to face upward." Again, the blade stopped short of reaching his throat.
"I think I have a legal precedent. You released the priest; you also have to release me."
The engineer stated, "Since everyone else is doing it, I too will lie face upward." As he lay there looking at the guillotine,
these words came forth. "I think I see your problem.'

I've got remember that one. It sure reminds of some engineers and engineering technicians I know. I can picture my friend Andrew pointing out what was wrong with the guillotine.
That field of employment is full of people with such a temperament. And so we have that stereotype.

Edited to add: my apologies to any engineers who may read this. I AM exaggerating a tiny little bit.

 

[5K Qs]

The black sheep reminded me of another one.

A shepherd was out in the field with his flock when a well dressed man in a Mercedes convertible stopped and called him over.
"That's a pretty large flock you have there. If I told you how many sheep you have, would give me one?"
The shepherd thought a bit and said, "I can do that."
The man pulled out his calculator and said "you have exactly 256 in your flock."
The shepherd said, "That's correct. Pick out the one you want to have."
The man walked over picked up one of the animals and put in his car.
Then the shepherd said, "If I can guess your occupation, would you give me my animal back."
"That sounds reasonable."
The Shepherd then said, "You're a consultant."
"That's right, how did you know."
The shepherd said, "There are three thins I noticed.
1. You made a deal in which all the benefit went to you with no benefit to me.
2. You told me something I already knew. And
3. You know absolutely nothing about my business.
Now will you give me back my dog!"

Never heard that one before, WHT ; love it!

- GT

 

[rishma]

I’m in. We all need a little levity. Jack- this may not be a common brew your side of the pond but it made me chuckle so I am going to share it.

 

[Pinemoon]

You missed selling me a book by a few years, Don!! I sent every book on Barns I could find, to my brother, near Buffalo, from Vancouver, and designed a barn for him over the phone (with Fax) in 2003!!

Very cool, Sir
Barn people are good people


WHT some good ones there, esp the consultant one




Two old maids were spending a quiet evening together, and one looked up from her newspaper to announce,

"There's an item here about a woman out West who has just cremated her fifth husband.

"Well, how do you like that!" cried the other. "Here you and I can't even get us one husband between us, and other women have husbands to burn."






www.cartoonstock.com/cartoonview.asp?catref=jmp101027 by Pine Moon, on Flickr

 

[Jack Black]

I’m in. We all need a little levity. Jack- this may not be a common brew your side of the pond but it made me chuckle so I am going to share it.

LOL! Oh, it's pretty common here, probably brewed somewhere exotic like Luton or Birmingham!

Barn people are good people

LOL! Barn was my nickname when I was a teenager as I was over 6 foot by the time I was 15

 

[JohnDF]

I googled "Rorschach test."
But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

 

[Jolipapa]

WHT there's a similar one:
During the first oil crisis an encounter is decided between president Nixon, 1st secretary Brejnev, 1st minister Ed. Heath, French pdt Valéry Giscard d'Estaing. The Pope also was invited.
To keep things secret, the meeting takes place in a plane.
Suddenly, during the flight, an engine catches fire.
Pdt Nixon grasps a parachute saying : "I'm the world's most potent president. I go first". And he jumps.
Sec Brejnev takes another parachute declaring : "I'm the leader of the first Socialist country in the world!" And he jumps.
1st minister Heath says : "For the Queen and the Commonwealth!", takes another parachute and goes.
Pdt Giscard seizes the 4th parachute shouting "Im the most intelligent President in the world!" and jumps.
When the Pope is going to get the last one, he discovers there's a stowaway. A hippie in fact.
So the Pope tells the guy : "My son, I am an old man, I had a rich life and anyway, I am very close to our Lord. Please, take the last parachute."
Hippie smiles and answers the Pope : "Holy father, you can quietly keep your parachute, world's-most-intelligent-president jumped with my rucksack!"

 

[Prester John]

I googled "Rorschach test."
But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

Good one!

 

[r8shell]

I googled "Rorschach test."
But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

I've got to remember that one!

 

[Prester John]

Here's a funny story about Yogi Berra. For those that are not familiar with him, he was the catcher for the New York Yankees (although he played in the outfield some towards the end of his career. I think he started around 1949 until about 1962. He has more World Series rings than anyone: ten. He is famous also for his funny sayings, or "Yogi-isms." Mickey Mantle was another famous Yankee, playing from 1951 to the late '60s. Great home run hitter, and centerfielder for the Yankees. Here's a pic of them together:

And here's the funny story:

 

[Pinemoon]

Hippie smiles and answers the Pope : "Holy father, you can quietly keep your parachute, world's-most-intelligent-president jumped with my rucksack!"

Good one

LOL! Barn was my nickname when I was a teenager as I was over 6 foot by the time I was 15

With "Barn Black" as a nickname, you must've been a badass

He is famous also for his funny sayings, or "Yogi-isms."

Haha, yes, I love the Yogi-isms

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."