100,000 Likes Giveaway - Winners Drawn!

[Henry Beige]

This old Finlander* goes out on the ice with his ice auger. He just starts to take him a hole there when he hears this booming voice:
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE”

So he takes and moves down about twenty-five, thirty feet and starts another hole:
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

He looks up uncertainly toward the sound:
“Iss...iss dat you, God?

“THIS IS THE ARENA MANAGEMENT. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”




*Finlander: A rustic gentleman of Finnish-American extraction residing in northern Minnesota, Wisconsin, or Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

 

[Jack Black]

This is the last one for today; 27 more tomorrow.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff
had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates!"
His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.
Here are some of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

Words to live by!

 

[RayseM]

The inimitable Steven Wright, alone with the sound of his own mind.
Lucky guy - lucky for us to have the soundtrack

 

[CelloDan]

Watching videos and reminiscing of fun times when my kids where younger to help pass these difficult times.
As teenagers now they still think this one is a funny one

 

[Jolipapa]

The French Leader got a coded message from the (xxxx) Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent for the French Information Agency.
The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ...

Impossible, we have a special detection for those. It is ringing now!

 

[315]

This is the last one for today; 27 more tomorrow.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff
had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates!"
His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.
Here are some of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

I could be wrong, but I remember watching a comedian on tv and I thought it was Steven Wright.

He told a joke about buying something at a store, when he came across dehydrated water....it was funny at the time

 

[herder]

"Four pocket knives were sitting around playing cards until suddenly, they all folded"

Not an entry, but congratulations on your first 100,000 likes my friend!!!

 

[tongueriver]

delete

 

[herder]

And here is a Norwegian descendant in Minnesota, entitled "Norwegian ice-breaker."View attachment 1306486

I wonder if he is looking for his pants???

 

[Henry Beige]

And here is a Norwegian descendant in Minnesota, entitled "Norwegian ice-breaker."View attachment 1306486

This one calls to mind a photo I used to post on motorcycle forums, well, tried to post, as it always got flagged off and sometimes earned me points and sometimes timeouts. It was a photo of a buddy, taken at his retirement party from IBM. His suit is on the ground burning. He is jumping over it on an italian dirt bike, butt naked except for his boots. The photo is entitled “Tank slapper”. It is a play on words which you will get if you ride motorcycles, but which may elude you if you don’t.

 

[Whetstone39]

Congrats on the milestone Jack! I’d love to celebrate with you, I am in. Here is one that made me laugh the other day:

Chuck Norris was recently exposed to the Coronavirus. The virus has been quarantined for 14 days.

 

[mike Berkovitch]

100K likes, is something to be proud of. I am serious guy, no jokes jumping out my sleeve. So thanks Jack you deserve every like you got, many more to come. Cheers
Not an entry
Mike

 

[Pinemoon]

Wow, feeling a little late to the party. I have been ill with something. No fever, no cough, but something else. Thus I took a day or so off from the Porch.

Congratulations Mr. Jack on 100,000 likes
You are a pillar of this community; I'm betting there's 100,000 more likes in store for you, good Sir!
This will be a fun GAW. I am in. Hoping the stars align and that there just might be an ironwood lambsfoot in a forgotten corner that'll turn up, as I do not currently have a knife from Sheffield.

So here's my joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods late at night. They're having a hard time finding their way back to the cabin and worry they might have to spend the night out in the woods. Soon they come upon a stream.
"I don't remember seeing this on our way out today," said Bill.
"Yeah, me either," said Ralph.
The two are studying the stream; it looks too deep to wade across and the current is swift. With no other option, Bill says:
"You still have that flashlight?"
"Yes" answers Ralph.
"Good, I've got an idea," Bill says.

"I'll shine the beam low over the water," continues Bill. "You walk across on the beam to the other side. Then, I'll throw you the flashlight and you can do the same for me: shining the light low why I walk across. With any luck, we'll be back at the cabin in no time!"

Ralph, thinks on this a bit, then remembers that Bill is the kind of guy that likes to pull practical jokes on unsuspecting friends.
He looks at Bill and says, "You think I'm stupid, don't you? But I'm not gonna fall for that one. I know just what'll happen. I'll get halfway out there and you'll go and turn out the light!"

I am in for Mike Crazy Canuck

Took this little video about 12 years ago with my daughter

While not a joke I thought that a bit of sunshine .... when skies are grey it's just what we need in this times ....and my daughter and I do think it's very funny

That made me smile, Dan
The dog looks like it's being tortured, lol!

I'm in, too.
OK, what's black and white and red all over? (a newspaper, remember those?)

OK, one more... this guy is sitting at a bar and starts talking into his hand. The bartender tells him to get out, "we don't need any nut cases in here". The guy responds that he has a cell phone built into his hand and he just received a call. The bartender gets angry and starts to throw him out. "I'll prove it to you", the guy says. "I'll go into the men's room and call you on the bar phone". The bartender tells him that if he can do that, he will have drinks on the house all night. So he goes into the bathroom and all of a sudden the bar phone rings. "Hi, it's me!" But after 15 minutes he doesn't come out, so the bartender goes in to check on him. He finds the guy leaning up against one of the stalls with his pants down and a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his rear. The bartender asks if he is all right, and the guy responds, "leave me alone for a minute, I'll be right out, I'm getting a fax"!

Haha! Pretty good!

 

[Jack Black]

"Four pocket knives were sitting around playing cards until suddenly, they all folded"

Not an entry, but congratulations on your first 100,000 likes my friend!!!

Congrats on the milestone Jack! I’d love to celebrate with you, I am in. Here is one that made me laugh the other day:

Chuck Norris was recently exposed to the Coronavirus. The virus has been quarantined for 14 days.

100K likes, is something to be proud of. I am serious guy, no jokes jumping out my sleeve. So thanks Jack you deserve every like you got, many more to come. Cheers
Not an entry
Mike

Wow, feeling a little late to the party. I have been ill with something. No fever, no cough, but something else. Thus I took a day or so off from the Porch.

Congratulations Mr. Jack on 100,000 likes
You are a pillar of this community; I'm betting there's 100,000 more likes in store for you, good Sir!
This will be a fun GAW. I am in. Hoping the stars align and that there just might be an ironwood lambsfoot in a forgotten corner that'll turn up, as I do not currently have a knife from Sheffield.

So here's my joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods late at night. They're having a hard time finding their way back to the cabin and worry they might have to spend the night out in the woods. Soon they come upon a stream.
"I don't remember seeing this on our way out today," said Bill.
"Yeah, me either," said Ralph.
The two are studying the stream; it looks too deep to wade across and the current is swift. With no other option, Bill says:
"You still have that flashlight?"
"Yes" answers Ralph.
"Good, I've got an idea," Bill says.

"I'll shine the beam low over the water," continues Bill. "You walk across on the beam to the other side. Then, I'll throw you the flashlight and you can do the same for me: shining the light low why I walk across. With any luck, we'll be back at the cabin in no time!"

Ralph, thinks on this a bit, then remembers that Bill is the kind of guy that likes to pull practical jokes on unsuspecting friends.
He looks at Bill and says, "You think I'm stupid, don't you? But I'm not gonna fall for that one. I know just what'll happen. I'll get halfway out there and you'll go and turn out the light!"




That made me smile, Dan
The dog looks like it's being tortured, lol!

Haha! Pretty good!

Thanks a lot for the kind words fellers, and I sure appreciate all the great jokes

 

[Crazy Canuck]

I was hesitant to enter, as I don't have any good clean jokes, and have been the recipient of Jack's generosity a couple of times already. But thanks to CelloDan and @r8shell I have a chance

I'm at a bit of a loss for a joke, but dug around in an old box from my parents and found this book...

It's pretty terrible, and with a copyright from 1975 and portions previously appearing in publications from 1956 and 57, it can't be said that it's stood the test of time.

Example:

So instead...

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it

Great idea for a GAW Jack.

 

[Onebigbill]

Patient: Doctor, I married a much younger girl because I want an heir to my estate. Can you tell me if I can have children?
Doctor: Well...please provide me a sample of seaman for analysis.
Doctors report to the patient: Although you are heir minded you are not heir conditioned.

 

[K33ncutter]

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

What is black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman Pinscher

 

[Spencergarden]

Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

I'm in. Thanks Jack Black for the giveaway and for the likeable posts over the years.

 

[Pinemoon]

Very generous. I'm in, if you don't mind.

A hillbilly couple went to see the doc about getting the hubby "fixed" after they already had 9 kids.
Doc says "I'll be happy to do the procedure for you." and asks "Why are you making this decision now, after nine children?"
The husband says
"Well, we read the other day that one out of ten kids born in the US today speaks Spanish. Me and the wife ... we don't speak Spanish."




(Apologies to any hillbillies that may be present.)

That deserves a reply!
Funny!

"Because the pub called, and you’ve left your wheelchair there again!"

Good one, lol!

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two
frogs in his mouth.

Yes!
Good one, Sir!

 

[JTB_5]

I'm not a good joke teller. I don't have the memory for remembering jokes, and I don't have a great storytelling mind, and I don't have great timing. But I can tell a pun in a pinch, usually.

When I was an undergraduate I was sitting in a government class listening to the teacher lecture. In the midst of the lecture he began telling us about the Jesus Movement of the 70s. He said it produced some strange things. He said one of the strange things was a book about Jesus and a mushroom. He asked us, "why do you think someone would write a book like that?" Without missing a beat, I raised my hand and said, "They must have thought he was a 'fun guy'?" A couple of the students snickered, but the teacher's face didn't even change--just a dead pan--and he answered in all serious, "No I don't think that's why."

You've earned every like you've gotten, Jack. Thanks for a fun giveaway! I recently one on another's play for my part, so I'll toss in my chance for @meako because he is always keeping things light and carefree.