Clean jokes...

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A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.

The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. 'Fetch the Bible,' he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. 'Now find Psalm 23' he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and showing the marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and found the correct passage, then pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit.

The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visit ors were very impressed. Finally, one man asked, 'Can he do regular dog tricks, too?' 'I haven't tried yet,' the past or replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good Lord! He's Pentecostal.'
 
Sort of like the story of the boy who's tending his puppies when the Pentecostal (or whatever you choose) pastor comes by. "What kind of puppies are those?" asks the pastor.

"These are Pentecostal puppies, sir."

"Very good, son. God bless you."

A couple weeks later the Pentecostal pastor comes by with the Baptist (or whatever you choose) preacher. They stop to look at the dogs and the Pentecostal pastor decides to have a little fun at his friend's expense.

"Son, tell me again what kind of dogs those puppies are."

"Why sir,"" says the little boys, "These are Baptist puppies."

"Now wait a minute," says the Pentecostal Pastor, "two weeks ago you said these were Pentecostal puppies and now you say they're Baptist puppies?".

"Yes, sir. But their eyes are open now."
 
Gone Fishing

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.

The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
 
Sven & Ole & the J.C. Penney Catalog






Two Scandiahovian young men from up in Minnesooooota were looking
at a J.C. Penney catalog and admiring the models.

Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful
girls in this catalog?"

Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look
at the price!"

Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very
expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea!
Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one
too."

Three weeks later, Sven man asks his friend Ole, "Did
you ever receive the girl you ordered from the J.C. Penney catalog?"

Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I
got her clothes yesterday!"
 
As long as we're telling religion jokes.......


What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness? When he knocks on the door, he doesn't know why he's there.


Three men died and found themselves at the gates of Hell. The Devil asked each why they were there.

The Muslim said, "I ate pork."

The Baptist said, "I drank alcohol."

The Episcopalian said, "I used the wrong fork."

(Don't get it? Me neither. ;))
 
Lost Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed.

"You left with seven."
 
great jokes at all.I really love the jokes it's quite funny.I made to laugh all the time when I remember those jokes.

(( Great SPAM make me funny all time ha ha ))
 
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The t rick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . .. . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
 
Why did the Irishman switch to Verizon Wireless?





He heard they had more bars in more places! :D
 
Four Bones

The body of any organization has four bones:

1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;

2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;

3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;

4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.
 
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

I don't have a microwave, I have a clock that occassionally cooks stuff
 
Sorry if this is a dupe:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Pat rick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
 
UffDa said:
Three men died and found themselves at the gates of Hell. The Devil asked each why they were there.

The Muslim said, "I ate pork."

The Baptist said, "I drank alcohol."

The Episcopalian said, "I used the wrong fork."

(Don't get it? Me neither. ;))
Click to expand...


My wife teaches at an Episcopal school and, believe me, I get this one!
 
A guy I once knew said that he believed there was entirely too much argument about the proper way to baptize folks. He said he wished all churches would just put in a slip and slide with a deep end.

The way he figured, when it was baptism time you went lined up the Cathloics and Methodists and the other sprinklers and lined them up near the start of the slide. Then you put the deep water Baptists at the deep end so they could help the guy out. You then went and got a Pentacostal to run into the slide. That would kick up a spray that would make the sprinklers happy. By the time he got to the end he would be totally soaked and that should make the Baptists happy. Plus if they weren't soaked too he could just pull them into the deep end of the baptismal slide to finish them off.

What about the Pentecostal's you ask? Hey, the holy rollers are happy anytime they get to roll!
 
After saving lotsa' cash, this farmer decides to walk on into town and buy the best cow he can find. He is a walking along and soon walks on by his neighbors spread...
His neighbor says "Ho there, why you making a bee-line towards town?"

The farmer replies "Finally saved up enough money for a cow. As a matter of fact, I am planning on buying the biggest, bestest doggone cow in town!"

To which his neighbor replies "That's great! Good LORD willing you'll get the best one in town and have money to spare."

He stops dead in his tracks, fixes his neighbor with his most resolute stare...
"The LORD'S will ain't got nuthin' to do with it! I said I got the money, therefore I will get the bestest cow. Period!!!"

The neighbor just shuts up and off the farmer goes...

Later on, the neighbor sees the farmer coming back down the road. No cow?! he gets a little closer, and he can tell the farmer's limping?! Closer still, his clothes are tore up, lips are busted up, nose looks broke.... both eyes black!??!!!???

"Ho there, what happened to you and where is that fine cow?"

"I got half-way to town and and got myself beat half to death and robbed by three hooligans!"

Neighbor says "well, whatcha' gonna' do now?"

The farmer says, real careful like "Good LORD willing, I am going back to the house!!!!!!"
 
A 90-year-old man goes in for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

*George replies, "Yes, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes off."
*"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.*
*A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he
says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof,
the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes
off?"*

*"Oh my God" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"*
 
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.

God greets her at the Pearly Gates."Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.

The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."

God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

Doug :)
 
it's clean, but it's pretty irreverent...

jesus walks into an inn, walks up to the desk and puts down three nails. the innkeeper looks up, and jesus says "hey, can you put me up for the night?"

Winston
 
How to Get the Police to Respond Really Quickly


Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.

The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.
 
Traffic Accident

Well, Your Honor, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, "OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"

That's when the fight started.
 
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