Clean jokes...

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Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw when I was in South Carolina
it was on the back of a garbage truck

"Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double your Garbage back"

In Georgia there was another bumper sticker that said;

"Strip mining prevents Forest Fires"

Could almost have a thread of just funny/amusing bumper stickers :)
G2
 
One Liner Puns

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Sign for a networking business in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
 
James Todd said:
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
Click to expand...

THE TROUBLE WITH WOMEN IS MEN​

A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches
the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus,
Particularly on those occasions when between the humidity
and the mosquitoes your own bed is no longer a bed, but
an insomnibus,
And if you turn on the light for a little reading he is sensi-
tive to the faintest gleam,
But if by any chance you are asleep and he wakeful, he is not
slow to rouse you with the complaint that he can’t close
his eyes, what about slipping downstairs and freezing
him a cooling dish of pistachio ice cream.
His touch with a bottle opener is sure,
But he cannot help you get a tight dress over your head with-
out catching three hooks and a button in your coiffure.
Nor can he so much as wash his ears without leaving an inch
of water on the bathroom linoleum,
But if you mention it you evoke not a promise to splash no
more but a mood of deep melancholium.
Indeed, each time he transgresses your chance of correcting
his faults grows lesser,
Because he produces either a maddeningly logical explanation
or a look of martyrdom which leaves you instead of him
feeling the remorse of the transgressor.
Such are husbandly foibles, but there are moments when a
foible ceases to be a foible.
Next time you ask for a glass of water and when he brings it
you have a needle almost threaded and instead of set-
ting it down he stands there holding it out to you, just
kick him fairly in the stomach, you will find it
thoroughly enjoible.​

​
-OGDEN NASH
 
Last edited:
annr said:
THE TROUBLE WITH MEN IS WOMEN​

A wife is a woman who two minutes after her head touches
the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus,
Particularly on those occasions when between the humidity
and the mosquitoes your own bed is no longer a bed, but
an insomnibus,
And if you turn on the light for a little reading she is sensi-
tive to the faintest gleam,
But if by any chance you are asleep and she wakeful, she is not
slow to rouse you with the complaint that she can’t close
her eyes, what about slipping downstairs and freezing
her a cooling dish of pistachio ice cream.
Her touch with a bottle opener is sure,
But she cannot help you get a tie tied right without choking you.
Nor can she so much as wash her ears without leaving an inch
of water on the bathroom linoleum,
But if you mention it you evoke not a promise to splash no
more but a mood of deep melancholium.
Indeed, each time she transgresses your chance of correcting
her faults grows lesser,
Because she produces either a maddeningly logical explanation
or a look of martyrdom which leaves you instead of her
feeling the remorse of the transgressor.
Such are wifey foibles, but there are moments when a
foible ceases to be a foible.
Next time you ask for beer and when she brings it
you have the tv remote and instead of set-
ting it down she stands there holding it out to you, just
kick her fairly in the stomach, you will find it
thoroughly enjoible.​

​
-OGDEN NASH with edits by James
Click to expand...

There, fixed for us guys.
Jim
 
Some more one liner types ;)

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."


G2
 
Life After Death

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
 
The Water Pistol

My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.

"Mom," I said. I'm surprised at you. "Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"

My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."

Payback is fun for us grandparents.
Jim
 
James Todd said:
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women


4. Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.
Click to expand...

I’M SURE SHE SAID SIX-THIRTY

One of the hardest explanations to be found
Is an explanation for just standing around.
Anyone just standing around looks pretty sinister,
Even a minister;
Consider then the plight of the criminal,
Who lacks even the protective coloration of a hyminal,
And as just standing around is any good criminal’s practically
daily stint,
I wish to proffer a hint.
Are you, sir a masher who blushes as he loiters,
Do you stammer to passers-by that you are merely expecting
a street car, or a dispatch from Reuter’s?
Or perhaps you are a safeblower engaged in casing a joint;
Can you look the patrolman in the eye or do you forget all the
savoir-faire you ever loint?
Suppose you are a shoplifter awaiting an opportunity to lift a
shop,
Or simply a novice with a length of lead pipe killing time in a
dark alley pending the arrival of a wealthy fop,
Well, should any official ask you why you are just standing
around,
Do you wish you could simply sink into the ground?
My dear sir, do not be embarrassed, do not reach for your
gun or your knife:),
Remember the password, which, uttered in a tone of quite
despair, is the explanation of anyone’s standing around
anywhere at any hour for any length of time: “ I’m wait-
ing for my wife.”​

--OGDEN NASH
 
Wrong Bank

A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: "This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag." Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note. So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.
 
My six year old son wanted me to post this one.

What did the Zero say to the Eight?






Nice belt!



From Bruceters' son
 
What Was He Thinking?

A guy walked up to the teller and handed him a note demanding money. Only problem was that he wrote the note on a deposit slip from his wife's bank account
 
Two 90-year-old women, Vivian and Edith, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Edith was dying, Vivian visited her every day.



One day Vivian said, 'Edith, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played it all through high school. Please do me one favor . . . .when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Edith looked up at Vivian from her death bed, 'Vivian, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Edith passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Vivian was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Vivian, Vivian.'

'Who is it?' asked Vivian, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Vivian -- it's me, Edith.'

'You're not Edith. Edith died.'

'I'm telling you, Vivian, it's me,' insisted the voice.

'Edith! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Edith. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Vivian.

'The good news,' Edith said, 'is that there IS softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Even better, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and
we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Vivian. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'
 
The RNC should use this as a slogan and feature it on their commercials.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher, whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and
his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle'
was. The old rancher said, When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post
turtle'.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued
to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong
up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just
wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.'
 
Questions asked in a courtroom can be very revealing... especially in the South. Even of an old, sweet lady many would be happy to call grandma.

In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Of course, I do. I've known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney turned red with embarssment.

The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
 
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they
decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they
are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His
wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

The husband says, "Sure."

She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write
it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that,
so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice
cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the
kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

- - - -

Some old men can still think fast.
 
Difference in Men & Women:

Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
 
Differences in Men & Women

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men will kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
 
James Todd said:
Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
Click to expand...

WHAT ALMOST EVERY WOMAN KNOWS
SOONER OR LATER

Husbands are things that wives have to get used to putting
up with,
And with whom they breakfast with and sup with.
They interfere with the discipline of nurseries,
And forget anniversaries,
And when they have been particularly remiss
They think they can cure everything with a great big kiss,
And when you tell them about something awful they have
done they just look unbearably patient and smile a
superior smile,
And think, Oh she’ll get over it after a while.
And they always drink cocktails faster than they can assimi-
late them,
And if you look in their direction they act as if they were
martyrs and you were trying to sacrifice, or immolate
them.
And when it’s a question of walking five miles to play golf
they are very energetic but if it’s doing anything useful
around the house they are very lethargic,
And then they tell you that women are unreasonable and
don’t know anything about logic,
And they never want to get up or go to bed at the same time
as you do,
And when you perform some simple common or garden rite
like putting cold cream on your face of applying a
touch of lipstick they seem to think you are up to some
kind of black magic like a priestess of Voodoo,
And they are brave and calm and cool and collected about
the ailments of the person they have promised to honor
and cherish,
But the minute they get a sniffle or a stomach-ache of their
own, why you’d think they were about to perish,
And when you are alone with them they ignore all the minor
courtesies and as for airs and graces, they utterly lack
them,
But when there are a lot of people around they hand you so
many chairs and ash trays and sandwiches and butter
you with such bowings and scrapings that you want to
smack them.
Husbands are indeed an irritating form of life,
And yet through some quirk of Providence most of them are
really very deeply ensconced in the affection of their
wife.​

-Ogden Nash
 
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