Clean jokes...

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A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
 
Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the
parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing
and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they
wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there
on my special Senator's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike
Air Jordan 's shoes.'

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even
have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized
wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,
'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I
saved your ass from drowning!'
 
A lady opened her refrigerator and
saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" She asked.

The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
To which the lady replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm Westing....;)

G2
 
As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with this area, I got lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the JCB and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul
As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From "My Home" & "The Lord is my Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest " . I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, " I never seen anything like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
Dear Mr. President, Senate and Congress:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my
husband's health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning
to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico , and we'll need
your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration
quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my
way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:


1. Free medical care for my entire family.


2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need,
whether I use them or not.

3. All Mexico government forms, printed in Spanish, need to also be printed
in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual)
teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag
pole at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to
government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to
purchase car insurance, and I, probably won't make any special effort to
learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from
their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has
at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U S. flag decals on
my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any
complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have
any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the
strain we might place on their economy

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for
all his people who come to the U.S. from Mexico . I am sure that President
Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely, US Citizen & Taxpayer
 
You know it's July in Florida when:

Hot water comes out of both taps.

You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

You burn your hand opening the car door.

The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.

You can make instant sun tea.

Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.

Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.

Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.

You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
 
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" may have sounded something like this:

Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot answers the phone.

Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: No, my name's Lou.

Abbott: Your computer?

Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.

Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?

Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?

Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper at first.

Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some software.

Abbott: Software for Windows?

Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I just did.

Costello: You just did what?

Abbott: Recommended something.

Costello: You recommended something?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: For my office?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.

Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What would I need?

Abbott: Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: Word in Office.

Costello: The only word in office is office.

Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: Which word in office for windows?

Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can use to track my money?

Abbott: Sure, Money.

Costello: That's right. What do you have?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?

Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: Money comes with my computer?

Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much do I get?

Abbott: One copy.

Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.

Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?

Abbott: Why not? They own it!

(A few days later)

Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Costello: How do I turn my computer off?

Abbott: Click "START"
 
The Fairy Tale


One day, long, long ago.......

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End
 
_________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. Probably.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if you try ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die ..... Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cras ... #@&&^(!

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
 
In a U.S. Government class at the University of Alabama, the students and professor were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple, actually; the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the requirement is that one must be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it all in and no one really agreed with her until she made a solid point: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

(True Story)
 
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans needed to be made. Along the way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" asked George. The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?" George: "Do you sell heart medications?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." George: "How about support hose for circulation?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis, and arthritis?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?" Pharmacist: "Yes sir." George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?" Pharmacist: "Yes.." George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation-H and Ex Lax?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. May I ask... why all these questions?" George smiled; glanced shyly at Edith; and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married, and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry!"
 
Stolen from Woodman (please forgive me...)

It pays to know Pennsylvania Dutch!

An Amish farmer walking through his field
notices a man drinking from his pond, with
his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht
das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben
in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink
the water. The cows and pigs have shit in it!)"

The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't
understand, nor do I care to understand your
gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:
"Use two hands, you'll get more!"
 
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !


Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... .and left it there all night.
 
Sorry - one word short of clean.

Guy walks in the door after work.

Says "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

Wifey says "Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"

Guy says:















" I don't care - just get the ---- out."
 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke .
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup .
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -
Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -
Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup -
Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -
Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -

"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms.'
 
How do you know when you're staying in a scary hotel?

I called down to the front desk and told the person on the end of the line... "Yes, good evening, hey I've got a leak in the sink."

The receptionist replied, "well sir, go right ahead....."
 
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly
remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct
Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.

8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until
you get to know them.
 
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