Clean jokes...

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A lady walks into a high class bar on the 30th floor of an office building and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender,

"Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk."
 
I was traveling between home and work when a tire blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.

Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Democrat!", I shouted.

"Hop in!", replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?", she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
 
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I was at the checkout of a Kmart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
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They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
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They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'
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They Walk Among Us!!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
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They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
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They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
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They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
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They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?
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Yep, They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and worst of All - they VOTE
 
For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?

“Lucas burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
 
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in
the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.

The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF!

Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF!
There was the car sitting in front of him.

He asked for his final wish, "
I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.:D
 
My Daughter is a teacher, she sent me this.

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her
shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre
dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever ann sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!
 
timcsaw said:
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
Click to expand...

True story:

Woman (with two college degrees) aboard a transcontinental flight while crossing the Atlantic: "Why is it so cold in here?"

Passenger seated next to her: "Because we are flying at 40,000 feet."

'Rocket Scientist' woman: "How can that be? Aren't we flying closer to the sun?


:confused::confused::confused:
 
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

Man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . .

Some things you just can't explain."
 
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
 
In an allegedly true story, Einstein and his wife were visiting the Mount Wilson Observatory in CA:

"And what's that one for?" asks Mrs. Einstein pointing to a complex piece of machinery.

She was told that the machine in question was used to determine the shape of the universe.

"Oh, really, " she replied. "My husband does that on the back on an old envelope!"
 
An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes gave out.

"What should I do?" she cried.

"Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."
 
Sweet home Alabama....................

My Mother was a Biology teacher/marker for a rural correspondence program.

Describe the blood circulation system in the human limbs,,, Answer down one leg and up the other.

What impact does a rabbit have on the atmosphere? By burrowing in the ground they pull in air and reduce the volume of the atmosphere.
 
True story in this week's TIME magazine about Bob Geldof and George Bush on a trip to Africa in 2008.

I gave the President my book. He raised an eyebrow. "Who wrote this for ya, Geldof?" he said without looking up from the cover. Very dry. "Who will you get to read it for you, Mr. President?" I replied. No response :D
 
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
 
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association
 
A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
 
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