Clean jokes...

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SHAMPOO Compliments of Annr


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered " indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

" I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out counter.

The cashier had a surprise look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

" We use beer for washing our hair the nun said, A shampoo, of sorts, if you will "

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said,

" The curlers are on the house "
 
Annr's computer in the shop, but she is still cracking the jokes.

Smile, it will make everyone wonder what you are up to!

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble...

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'


The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today, it's called golf
 
I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.
 
Think of a number.
Multiply it by 2.
Now add 10.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 5.
Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes.
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Dark, isn't it?
 
Rufus goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

Rufus said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

Rufus replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Rufus. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Rufus thought for a minute, looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
 
Compliments of Annr whose computer is still on the workbench.

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED
(Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back
to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The
doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still
in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive
away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I
do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
 
A man runs into the doctors office yelling Doctor, Doctor I keep shrinking!!!

The doctor told him, calm down, you'll just have to be a little patient...;)

G2
 
A thief broke into the local police station
and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying,

"We have absolutely nothing to go on."

;)
G2
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.
Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
 
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
 
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.* Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
*
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,*seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
*
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.*

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.* "get out of here" she said. "Those are for the funeral."
 
Thanks for keeping the thread alive, I especially enjoyed the last one.:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:
Jim
 
Obama wakes up, gets out of bed, and goes into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror he is horrified to find that he is white from the top of his head down to his chest. He goes to the doctor who gives him something to drink. Obama drinks it and says, "What is this? It tastes like crap." The doctor says, " It is. You were a quart low."
 
Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100 .
*
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, " Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. *I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! *Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly *grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. * So , we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Is this a joke?
 
WALMART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack
Of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask
Them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat
Around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'


The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.


'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.


'Hmmm.....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'


'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third
Man, who was contemplating his reply..


'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.


Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.


Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.


Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'


'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...


'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped in my pants.'


BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
 
Ok, old reliable how many......does it take to change a light bulb;

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change...

How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
None
real men aren't afraid of the dark...

ok,
G2
 
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. * * I t was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. * * The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,*stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' *

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.**'Pastor, what is this?'**The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'* Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.**Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
 
*THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER*
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining
to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristicall y comes up with a
suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
 
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

AMNESIA: I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and….

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…

AUTISTIC: Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock …

SENILE DEMENTIA: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe
 
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