Clean jokes...

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Read this on one of the apps for the iTouch, pick up lines ;)

Q: "Do you believe in love at first sight? or do I need to walk by you a second time? "

G2
 
Take No Offence

'I hope you didn't take it personally, Father, 'an embarrassed woman said after a church service, 'when my husband walked out during your sermon.' 'I did find it rather disconcerting,' the vicar replied.

'It's not a reflection on you, Father' insisted the church goer. 'Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.'
 
Answer My Prayer - Please

Jonathan, the Vicar's very young son asked his father, 'Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first climb into the pulpit to give your sermon, you bow your head for a moment. What are you doing?'
The father answered, 'I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon.'
Jonathan inquired, 'Then why doesn't he?'
 
This story is allegedly true:

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.'

The boy replied, 'I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office.'
 
A new pastor in Topeka, Kansas, USA, spent the first four days making personal visits to each of his prospective congregation inviting them to come to his inaugural services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the 'funeral' .

In front of the pulpit they saw a closed coffin which was covered in flowers. After the priest had delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a 'dead church', all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each 'mourner' peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
 
John, an avid fisherman, got up early one Saturday morning , dressed quietly, made his lunch and slipped quietly into the garage only to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing at least 50 mph. He pulled into the garage, turned on
the radio and discovered that the weatherman had blown the call. The weather would be extremely bad throughout the day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped into
bed. There he cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

His loving wife of 10 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'

John still doesn't know to this day if she was joking, but he has stopped
fishing.:)
 
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them
is hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the
woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,this
must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back
on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.."
 
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.


So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."



"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:


SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING​




Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY​



That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.



The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."



So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:


NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!!​
 
Moses and Jesus were playing golf one day, and they reached the most difficult shot on the course. After a long drive from the teeing ground, the hole took a right-angle dogleg and they found themselves on the bank of a water trap longer and wider than an Olympic swimming pool. A small elevated putting green was just on the other side.

Jesus studied the shot and then asked Moses (who was carrying both golf bags) for a chipping wedge. "Forgive me, O Lord," said Moses, "for questioning your will, but that's a very long shot. Don't you want a heavier club?"

"No," answered Jesus with a smile, "Arnold Palmer played this shot with a chipping wedge and he birdied." Then he carefully took his shot and the ball went into the water.

Moses parted the water and retrieved the ball. "There, don't you see?" he said. "You need a heavier club."

"No!" shouted Jesus, "Arnold Palmer made this shot with a chipping wedge and so will I!" Then Jesus took his shot again and the ball went into the water again.

Moses refused to help him a second time, so Jesus walked on the water and went looking for his ball. Another party of golfers were waiting for them to finish, and one of them came up to find out what was holding up the show. Seeing Jesus out for a stroll on the water trap, he came running and shouting "My God! My God! That man is walking on water! Who does he think he is — Jesus Christ?"

"No," answered Moses with a sigh, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
 
I can't remember exactly but it goes something like this:

Ever see someone your age but think they look much older than you???

A woman tells this story:
So I went into a new dentist office for my appiontment and I'm taken back to a room to wait for the dentist. I noticed his full name printed on the license in the room and thought "My God, thats the same name as my first secret crush in High School." When the dentist came into the room I saw this balding fat wrinkled man and obviously knew he's much too old to be my old friend. After the examination I felt compelled and said "Did you go to North High School?" He says with pride "Why yes, I'm a 'Husky'". I asked him "What year did you graduate?" He says "1975", to which I replied "I think you were in my class!" Then this old, fat, bald, decrepid bastard looked at me and said "Really, what did you teach?"
 
Older Women Are So Reasonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, " FORTY -FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT

I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND

PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 69-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.


AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID- LIFE CRISES.
 
A different Health Message:


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?


A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. So have a cup now and then!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?


A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?


A: Can't think of a single one; sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!




Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!




Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO-HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."



" Then they kick him in the ice hole."
 
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Have you heard the latest joke thats going around???


Neither have I, I guess it hasn't been around to me yet.
 
I saw this one today. It was going around when Hillary was working on her health plan. No political comments please. ;)

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the Obama administration's health care reform proposal:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the @#$%s in Washington ..
_________________
 
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Memphis department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD




Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 
An older gentleman getting on in years had spent decades polishing his jokes and practicing them at parties. One night, at a cocktail party, the man met a nice older lady. They really hit it off and went out for coffee later that week.

During their date, the man started telling his jokes. He was notorious for his puns, and it was obvious to the lady as to why. They were absolutely brilliant, well timed, dry, and always seemed to fit the moment perfectly. His puns always made her smile.

One day, she read in the newspaper that people could enter up to ten puns in a joke contest with a grand prize of $10000. She couldn't wait until later that day when she would see him so she could tell him. When they met, she convinced the man to enter the contest, as surely he would win.

The man spent hours trying to write his best puns. After gleaning his list many times with the lady, they finally decided, together, which ten puns he would submit.

Weeks later, a letter announcing the results of the contest finally came. The man excitedly opened it. Slowly his eyes scanned the page, until he quietly folded the paper back up and placed it on the table. He looked crushed. The lady asked nervously, "Did you win?"

The man looked at her and quietly muttered, "No pun in ten did."
 
metulyz6.jpg
 
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