Clean jokes...

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Actual sign at local business

No trespassing after hours!
Survivors will be prosecuted.
 
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way
out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and
gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. As the days went on I learned
that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people.'
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the
first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
 
There was once a great Cajun Detective who was called into the office of the Lake Charles Police Chiefs office one day.

The chief said "Leroy, there is illegal gambling on rooster fights going on out in the swamps, it's cutting into the legal gamblin, man. Go down there and see what you can find out, they neva know you to be one of us."

"No prob boss, Leroy, he finds out wut you need to know" Says Leroy and out he goes.

Week or two goes by and Leroy shows up at de Chief's office

"Boss, I got the groups in the rooster fights... It's the Cajuns, the Aggies and the Mob"

"How you know Leroy??" Asks the chief

"Well I know the Cajuns in on it cuz they put a big mean rooster in the ring. Only a Cajun could raise a rooster like dat."

"Then I knows the Aggies out dere cuz they put a duck in the ring next"

Chief says "Well Leroy that makes sense but how you knows the mob out dere?"

Leroy smiles and says



"De duck....He WON"
 
The World's shortest Fairy
> Tale*
>
> *Once upon a time, a guy
> asked a girl 'Will you marry
> me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And
> the guy lived happily ever after and
> rode motorcycles and
> went fishing and hunting and played
> golf a lot and drank
> beer and scotch and left the toilet
> seat up and farted
> whenever he wanted.* THE END
 
I know this is pretty much about written jokes. But a friend sent me this and
#1 It is clean
#2 It is funny.

[youtube]-YFRUSTiFUs[/youtube]
 
A rabbit is out in the woods when nature calls, so he proceeds to drop some pellets. While in the middle of the act, a bear rumbles through the bushes and starts to squat one out himself right next to the rabbit. The rabbit is a little nervous of course but tries to be polite and smiles at the bear. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you ever have the problem of poop sticking to your fur?" "No", replies the rabbit. The bear responds, "good, because it sures does to me," and the bear wipes himself with the rabbit.
 
Two men were marooned on an Island. One man paced back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself. The first man said to the second man, "arn't you afraid we are about to die." "No," said the second man, "for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week. My Pastor will find me."
 
An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ? Yes, Father, it is.' And who was the girl you were with? I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I cannot say. Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? I'll never tell. Was it Nina Capelli? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get? Four months vacation and five good leads.
 
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to Dad.
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love Your Son,
John




PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
 
Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!
A man asks: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and inquires "Are you Polish?" The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?" The clerk says, "Well, no!" "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't!" With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me that?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
 
A Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups . Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
 
> a young man at a construction site was bragging that he
> could
> out-do anyone in a
> feat of strength.
>
> He made
> a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
>
> After
> several minutes, Louie, one older worker, had had
> enough....
>
> "Why don't you put your money where your
> mouth is," Louie said,
> "I'll bet a week's wages that
> I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
> over to that building that
> you won't be able to wheel
> back!"
>
> "You're on, old man,' Steve
> replied..."Let's see you do it!"
>
>
> Louie reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow
> by the handles.
>
>
> Then,
> nodding to the young braggart, Louie said....
>
> "All right, Dumbass, get
> in!!"
 
A filthy rich Newport Beach man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then? No thanks, I don't want it, answered Leroy. The host said, Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Leroy said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, Well, Leroy, then what do you want? Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have
obsessions, he observed.'

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner.'
 
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
 
How many Medics are usually in an Ambulance?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
says right on the side, Paramedics
:)

G2
 
Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

Compliments of AnnR
 
Only for those old enough to remember "Who is on first" by Abbott & Costella. Credit to AnnR for this one.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??



ABBOTT:?Super Duper?computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I ' m setting up an office in my den and I ' m thinking about?buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name ' s Lou.?

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don ' t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name ' s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here??

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don ' t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.?

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything??

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office??

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let ' s just say I ' m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. ?What do I need??

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows??

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ' W ' .

COSTELLO: I ' m going to click your blue ' w ' if you don ' t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with??

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That ' s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What ' s bundled with my computer??

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn ' t it illegal to copy money??

ABBOTT:?Microsoft?gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you??

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ' START ' ..............?
 
A cowboy rides into town, climbs down from the saddle and walks behind his horse and lifts its tail and kisses its ass. Old man watching him asks, "What'd you do that for?" "Got chapped lips," the cowboy says. "Does that help?"the old man asks. Cowboy shakes his head, "Nope, but it keeps me from licking 'em."
 
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