Clean jokes...

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True, but funny no the less and boring to some. In some sentences, contents may be considered false, but I did not take time to look them all up, just tried to lick my elbow.:D

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.


If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16 1969 , make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?



In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.



A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.



23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.



Most lipstick contains fish scales.



Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.



If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.



If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (Who tried this one?) answer to that, it was a form of torture.



In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.



It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.



A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.



More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.



Horses can't vomit.



Butterflies taste with their feet.



In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.



On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.



On average people fear spiders more than they do death.



Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.



Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.



Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.



Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.



It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.



Women blink nearly twice as much as men.



It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.



The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.



A snail can sleep for three years.



No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."



Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.



The electric chair was invented by a dentist.



All polar bears are left handed.



In ancient Egypt , priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes...OUCH



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.



TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.



"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.



If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. And her neck would be twice the length of a normal person...



A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.



The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.



Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.



Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
 
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.

He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
 
Q: What goes up and down but does not move?
A: Stairs

Q: Where should a 500 pound alien go?
A: On a diet

Q: What did one toilet say to the other?
A: You look a bit flushed.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?
A: Write on!

Q: What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?
A: Lonely

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they are two-tired!

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights!
 
A Kentucky man married a Texas girl, and her brother was coming to the Bluegrass state for the first time to visit them. She was busy preparing for her brother's visit, so she sent her husband to pick him up at the airport. The man met his brother-in-law at the gate, helped him with his luggage, and walked him out to the parking lot. As they approached the Kentuckian's car, the Texan bellowed "What, under the Lone Star sky, is THAT?" The Kentuckian, a little puzzled, replied "This is my car." "You call that a CAR?" said the Texan "We got cars TWICE as big as that in Texas!" The Kentuckian, though a little annoyed, said nothing as he loaded the Texan's bags and started for his house. As they approached, the Texan again loudly asked "What, under the Lone Star sky, is THAT?" To which the Kentuckian, rolling his eyes, replied, "That is my house." "You call that a HOUSE?" said the Texan, "We got houses FIVE TIMES bigger'n that in Texas!" Now the Kentuckian was really getting fed up with this attitude, but for his wife's sake, and because he wanted to be a good host, he held his tongue. He hoped that this loudmouth would spend most of his time visiting with his sister and leave him alone. Unfortunately, His wife was busy with preparations for dinner, so after a short greeting, she asked the Kentuckian to take her brother out to the pond to fish until dinner was ready. The Kentuckian reluctantly agreed, and was not at all surprized to hear the Texan say, as they approached the pond, "What, under the Lone Star sky, is THAT?" Through gritted teeth, the Kentuckian tried to maintain his composure as he responded "THAT is my POND!" And of course the Texan answered "You call that a POND? We got ponds TEN TIMES bigger'n that in Texas! I tell you what, you go ahead and play in yore little puddle here. I'm goin' back up to yore shack to rest up and clean up before supper." So the Kentuckian stayed behind to fish, trying to calm down and figure out how he was going to put up with this blowhard for the duration of his visit. Just then, his line went taut, and for a few minutes he forgot his problems while he fought to land the monster he had hooked. When he finally reeled it in, he discovered that he had landed one of the biggest snapping turtles he had ever seen. Now he had an idea. He took the turtle up to the house, snuck it into the guest room, and hid it under the bed where the Texan was sleeping. He then quietly joined his wife downstairs until it was time to call their guest for dinner. The Kentuckian could hardly wait for his wife to tell him all was ready, so when he finally went to wake his brother-in-law, he ran up the steps almost giggling and cheerfully roused the Texan. When the Texan stepped out of bed, the Snapping Turtle immediately latched onto his foot and he let out a blood-curdling scream: "WHAT, UNDER THE LONE STAR SKY, IS THAT?" To which the Kentuckian replied, "That's a Kentucky bed-bug. You got 'em bigger'n that in Texas?"
 
If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (Who tried this one?) answer to that, it was a form of torture.

Yes, this is true. I have seen a man in a medical journal who worked in a circus and his special talent was popping his eye out!



Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Also believable but try telling this to my friend who thinks that she can screen by phone. I asked her how her recent dating had been going specifically did the guy conform to his profile? Yes, he was gorgeous, fantastic, everything in common, deep conversation................ Took her 5 dates to figure out that the guy was married. But she will be able to tell the next time.:rolleyes:. (Sadly this woman has a PhD in psychology; alas, lab rats don't lie about their marital status.:D)
 
Bad Thinking

Three old men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor said to the first old man, "What is one plus one?"

"Two hundred seventy-four," he replied.

The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is one plus one?"

"Tuesday," replied the second man.

The doctor said to the third man, "Ok, your turn. What's one plus one?"

"Two," said the third man.

"That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
 
Good stuff Todd and gang!

A guy at work today told me about an episode of the Newly wed Game
where the wife was asked if her husband was Urban or Rural
I found the clip on YouTube

Check it out

Pretty funny ;)
G2
 
A little old lady walks into the corner ice cream shop. As she approaches the counter she looks up and asks the young man behind the counter for two scoops of chocolate ice cream.

“I’m sorry ma’am but there is no chocolate ice cream today. We have vanilla and strawberry.”

“Umm…OK, I’ll take two scoops of chocolate ice cream.”

I’m sorry. Ma’am we are all out of chocolate ice cream today. All we have are vanilla and strawberry

“Ummm,…………….OK, I guess I’ll have two scoops of…mmm… chocolate ice cream.”

“All right then, ma’am. How do you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla?”

“V---A----N?” she asks.

“Yes, that’s correct. Now, how do you spell the ‘straw’ in strawberry?”

“Let's see.. S….T….R…A…W.”

“Yes, that’s right! So lady, how do you spell the ‘f***’ in chocolate?”

She curls up her face, wonders for a moment and says, “There’s no f***’ in chocolate.”

“Lady, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!!!!”
 
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
 
Now Gus, that was a great one, I can hear my wife saying the same thing, should that have been me.
Jim
 
This is the funniest clip I have ever heard. ...
James

Me too!

I wish I were that quick witted. The closest I've ever come to that is answering the pay-phone at a bus stop, "*** Police Dept, what is your emergency?"

"Uh, uh, uh... <click>"

Normally don't do that sort of thing but it was late at night and I was on my lunch break from riding the trains as a security officer and since there were no buses running and I knew how long it would take for the train to get back, about the fifth time it rang I, well, you know...
 
Darth Vader: "Luke Skywalker (heavy breathing) I know what you're getting for Christmas (more heavy breathing)

Luke: "How?"

Darth Vader: "I felt your presents"
 
A man and his bulldog enter a bar. The pet owner seats his dog on a barstool and takes a seat beside the dog. Immediately the bartender says to him: &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry sir but we do not allow pets in the bar. I&#8217;m afraid that you&#8217;ll have to leave.&#8221;

&#8220;But this is no ordinary dog.&#8221;

&#8220;What do you mean? He looks pretty average to me.&#8221;

&#8220;That&#8217;s not the case. This is a talking dog.&#8221;

&#8220;A talking dog? Do you think I&#8217;m nuts? Now get outta here.&#8221;

&#8220;C&#8217;mon, I&#8217;ll make a deal with you. If my dog talks, you&#8217;ll let both of us stay.&#8221;

&#8220;All right&#8212;and I&#8217;m warning you, this better be good.&#8221;

So the owner turns to his bulldog and asks, &#8220;How would you describe sandpaper?&#8221;

&#8220;Ruff.&#8221;

The bar tender is not amused, &#8220;Just as I thought. That&#8217;s not talking. Now scram.&#8221;

&#8220;OK, OK, &#8220; Says the owner of the dog. &#8220;How about a different question?&#8221; Before the bartender can answer, he turns to the dog and asks, &#8220;What do you have on the top of your house?&#8221;

&#8220;Ruff.&#8221;

Fuming mad the bartender starts chasing them out.

&#8220;No, no, don&#8217;t make us go yet. One last question. I&#8217;m sure that I can convince you!!&#8221; Quickly he asks the dog a third question, &#8220;Who is the greatest ball player of all time?&#8221;

&#8220;Ruff&#8221;, says the dog.

&#8220;OK pal, that&#8217;s it, scram! Get outta here!! Who ever heard of a talking dog? Beat it!,&#8221; yells the bartender as he shoes them out the door.

They both stand dejectedly on the sidewalk in front of the bar; the dog looks up at his owner and asks, &#8220;Di Maggio?&#8221;
 
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while,
he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
only fair -given that you are blind-that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,






"No.. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "O my God Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Methodists , 32 Baptists.
 
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