Clean jokes...

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NAGGING WIFE:grumpy::grumpy:

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden,
the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. (Grave Yard Dead) At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." :D
 
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
;)
 
Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of musicians?
A: When the engines stop the whining keeps going.


Q: What do you call 20 lawyers at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp?
A: Give him a music chart.


Q: How does a musician make his car faster?
A: Take off the "Domino's" sign.


Q: How do you get a musician of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.


Q: What is a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door?
A: The longer the knocking, the more out of time it gets.


Q: What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
A: His amp.


Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.


Q: How do you drown a lead singer?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
 
What do you call an accordion player with a pager?

An optimist.
 
Two friends meet on the street:

“Moishe!”
“Schloime!”
“Moishe, such a black eye!”
“Oy, a black eye.”
“Where did you get such a black eye?”
“Where did I get such a black eye you ask? In shul.”
“In schul? How did you get such a black eye in shul?’

“Well it’s like this: last Friday when we were in Temple we all standing for rabbi bringing the Torah. Well, I looking in front of me and I see Mrs. Rabinowitz stand there right in front of me with her dress stuck up her tuchis. Well, I think what should I do; maybe I should help --- so I give it a little pull out. Well, Mrs. Rabinowitz, she does not like this, when I do this--- so she turn and punches me right in eye.”

A week later the same friends pass on the street.

“Moishe.”
“Schloime.”
“Moishe, another black eye!!”
“Oy, two black eyes.”
“Where did you get such a black eye, another one?!”
“Where did I get such another black eye you ask? You won’t believe it, again, in shul.”
“Again in schul? How did you get such another black eye in shul?”

“Well, again there we were in Temple and the rabbi is coming with Torah. We all stand up. There is Mrs. Rabinowitz in front of me again with dress up tuchis. Well, Mr. Cohen-- he sitting next to me, sees the dress up tuchis--- He not know she doesn't like this--so he gives dress little pull out. Aha! But I know that she does not like this --so I giving push back.”
 
What's the difference between an accordian and a concertina?


The accordian burns longer.
 
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident,
which caused her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awakens and
sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies,

" Ma'am, you had twins -- a boy and a girl.
The babies are fine.
Your Brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself,
"Oh, no!
Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst,
she asks the doctor,
"Well, what's the girl's Name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers

The new mother thinks,
"Wow! That's a beautiful name!
I guess I was
Wrong about my brother.
I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor,

"What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies,

"Denephew."
 
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

"Didn't you say sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine?"
asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"?

Ole said, "vell, I had just got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highway ven dis huge semitruck ran da stop sign and smacked into my truck right in da side. I vas trone into vun ditch and Bessie she vas trone into da udder. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vont to move. But, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape yust by her groans."

"Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman he came to da scene.He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he vent over to her."

"After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gunand shot her right between da eyes."

"Den da Patrolman he came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now, if you vas me, vut en St. Olaf's nam vould YOU say?"
 
"Hello?"



"Hi honey.



This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"





"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."





After a brief pause,



Daddy says, "But honey,
you haven't got an Uncle Paul."





"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."



Brief Pause.



"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."




"Okay Daddy, just a minute."




A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.





"I did it Daddy."




"And what happened honey?"



"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed
with no clothes on and ran around screaming.




Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"





"Oh my !!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"





"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."



***Long Pause***




***Longer Pause***




***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool?


Is this 486-5731?"
 
A middle-aged guy goes to the doctor to get help with his weight:

"Hi doc. I hear that you have a great new weight-loss program. Gee, I could really use some help. I've tried everything: diet pills, low-carb, high-carb, exercise, meditation....and I just can't get my weight under control. Look!"

"Well, I'm happy to say that you have come to the right place! I have a revolutionary approach and I've seen stunning results. It's quite simple really. Instead of putting your food in your mouth at this end, you see, you put your food in the other end, down below."

"Really doc? This seems kind of unorthodox. I don't know if I could do that."

"Don't worry; it couldn't be easier. Just give it a try. You'll see; it works like a charm. Now you get started right away and I'll see you again in three weeks."
----------------

Three weeks later:

"Hey doc, you were right. The pounds just fell right off. I haven't felt better in years."

The doctor smiles and nods in agreement then says, "You look great. But what, if you don't mind my asking, are you doing over there? I can't help but notice that you haven't sat down the whole time that you've been here. And you seem to be, well, sort of walking in place. Is there anything wrong? Some problem with the diet?

"No, doc, just chewing some gum."
 
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.



The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. '

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blond says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she say s 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blond.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Illinois and I'm driving the salt truck!
 
James Todd said:
Since I am overweight, I may just try that.:D:D:D
Jim
Click to expand...
I think I still have that toll-free number around here somewhere. And of course the operators are standing by. Gum available at most supermarkets, drug stores and convenience stores. First pack on me.:D:D
 
The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.



There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.





Leaving 15 million to do the work.



2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama

Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.



Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city

Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.


And there you are,

Sitting on your butt,



At your computer, reading jokes.
 
I got this from NPR's "Wait, wait, don't tell me." Supposedly actually circulating in Moscow...

After Medyedved's victory in the "election", Putin takes him to dinner. They arrive the restaurant, and are immediately seated.
The waiter arrives. "Mr. Putin! How nice to see you. What will you have?"

"The steak," says Putin.

"Excellent. And for the vegetable?"

"He'll have the steak too."
 
Ok, ok here's one of my favourites, but it works better told than read, we'll see ;)

A not so bright fellow, we'll call him Maynard, had a parrot
problem was, the parrots beak wasn't closing right, so he went to see a vet
Vet said, 'I can fix that for you, but it'll cost $400'
Maynard said, 'wow, I can't afford that'
Vet said, 'Well, you can do it yourself, but you need to listen carefully to each step'
Maynard said 'uh sure doc'

OK, first hold the parrots head real still so he doesn't move
then take a fine tooth saw, like a coping saw, and cut off the long part of his beak
BUT not too short! if you cut it too short, when he goes to drink he'll get water
in where he shouldn't and he will drown on you.
So, cut it, but not TOO short, then file it and sand it down with fine sand paper
and he will be as good as new!

Maynard said 'uh...ok doc'

A week goes by, the Vet see's Maynard walking down the street and stops him
and asks how his parrot was doing?

Maynard says 'Parrot? oh, he's dead'

The Vet says, man, I told you, don't cut his beak too short!
He drowned on you didn't he!

Maynard said, 'no, he was dead before I took him out of the vise'

:)
I tell that joke when I'm training people on our machines, as it
pays to be specific!
G2
 
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