Clean jokes...

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A different guy goes to the doctor:

The doctor meets and greets the patient by asking, "What brings you in today?"

"I'm here for a second opinion. The last doctor I went to told me that I am fat and need to go on a diet."

The doctor takes a look at the man.

"OK, I'll give you a second opinion. You're fat AND you're ugly."
 
A voluptuous blonde enters the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sits down in the chair and fidgets nervously as the dentist prepares his instruments.

"Oh, doctor," she exclaims as he is about to look into her mouth, "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."

"Well, miss," says the dentist impatiently, "You better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."


Jim,
It's back to you.:)
 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.
 
The newlyweds enter the hotel's elevator headed for the Bridal Suite. The elevator operator, a magnificent blonde says with a little wink, "Why, hello there George. How are you?"

The couple completes the ride in silence. Once inside the room the bride demands to know: " Who was the woman?!"

The groom answers, "Please take it easy, honey, "I'm going to have enough trouble explaining you to her."
 
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is

filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.


The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into
Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St Peter, sir. But nobody
ever told me about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the test ain't
too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions:

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
sees St.Peter who waved him up and said, "Now that you have had a chance to
think over the questions, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one --which two days in the week begin
with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and
Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest that is not
what I was thinking, but you do have a point. I guess I did not specify, so I
will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?"
asked St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd..."


"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this,
and I see your point, though that was not quite what ! I had in mind but I will
have to give you credit for that one, t oo. Let us go on with the third and
final question.
Can you tell me God's first name?"

"Sure", Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the world did you come up with the name 'Andy' as the first
name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied, "I learnt it
from the hymn...'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN'..."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said, "Run, Forrest, run."
 
Filled with both hope and fear a married couple waits in line, eager to be admitted to Heaven. As they approach the pearly gates they can hear St. Peter discussing each person's fate, determining their worthiness to pass through the gates to eternal grace and love.
---------------------------
At first they overhear:

"St Peter, at last I have reached the pearly gates and ask that you bestow your blessings upon me and grant me admittance to the Kingdom of Heaven."

After pondering for several minutes St. Peter replies,"No, I'm sorry; you are unworthy. All you thought about, all that mattered to you during your stay on earth was money; in fact you married a woman named Penny. For this, your avarice and greed, you shall be condemned to eternal damnation ."
-----------------------
The next supplicant reaches the Pearly Gates:
"St Peter, at last I have reached the pearly gates and ask that you show your benevolence and grant me admittance to the Kingdom of Heaven."

Again St. Peter says no: "I'm sorry that will be impossible. You led a life of drunkenness. You forsook your family and your responsibilities in your servitude to the bottle. In fact you married a girl named Sherry. For all of this you shall be condemned to eternal damnation. Now go and face your retribution."
-----------------------
Having overheard those two conversations the husband turns to his wife,” Fanny, I guess we should get the h*** out of here."
 
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."
 
My kind of girl....Ann


The $30,000 funeral


Joe passed away and his will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Ann turned to her
oldest friend.

'Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Ann. 'Thirty thousand.'

'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?'

Ann answered. 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.'

Jody computed quickly. '$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?'

'Two and a half carats.'
 
trkJr said:
Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of musicians?
A: When the engines stop the whining keeps going.
Click to expand...



Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
 
KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
 
Appeared in local newspaper:

Dog participates in prayer service

"INDIA. A stray dog in India has not missed a Muslim prayer service at the Memon Mosque in the last nine years. According to the Midday newspaper, a black dog named Socksy runs toward the Mosque when the muezzin calls for prayer, and howls in tune with the worshipers.

One cleric told the newspaper that the dog stops baying if there is a slight mistake in the prayer and resumes seconds later. (Metro)"
 
James Todd said:
My kind of girl....Ann
Click to expand...

A different gorgeous young blonde arrives at a fund raiser on the arm of a crusty old man old enough to be her grandfather, the multi-millionaire Mr. Plotnik. While seated at dinner the guest to her right admires her diamond ring:

“My goodness, this is one of the most spectacular diamonds that I have ever seen.”

“Thank you,” says the young woman. “This is the Plotnik diamond.”

“The Plotnick diamond? I have never heard of that. I bet there is an interesting story connected with a gem like that.”

“Oh yes, you are right about that. The diamond carries a curse.”

“A curse? What kind of curse?”

“Plotnik,” she whispers.
 
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ps: Annr, it did take me a minute to get that last plot.:D
 
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
 
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
 
A completely different guy goes to the doctor.

After the usual history and exam the doctor concludes,"You seem fine to me."

"Fine? How can that be? What about my headaches?"

"Oh, I'm not worried about your headaches."

"Listen, Doctor, if you had my headaches, I wouldn't worry about them either."


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Jim, I know an adult male in his 50's who only recently got what K-9 means. He'll never live that one down.:D
 
It was one of the hottest days of the year. That day in mid-August the mercury had risen above 100 degrees and the humidity hovered at 100%. Sister Mary Bernard and Sister Mary Theresa had been chosen to re-paint the rectory while the other residents of the convent were on a short retreat. That infernal day the nuns stood atop long ladders reaching to the ceilings with sweat dripping from their brows. All of the windows were open; fans were operating. They had consumed countless pitchers of cold lemonade. Finally Sister Bernard turns to Sister Theresa and asks, "Are you as hot as I am?"

"Oh yes, I am extremely warm. I am starting to feel lightheaded."

"Well, I was thinking. You know that we must finish this job before the others return and since it is so hot maybe we could just remove a few articles of clothing so that we can carry on with out passing out from heatstroke. What do you think?"

"Well, I don't know. That does seem kind of sensible, but what do you think the others would say?"

"Don't worry, we don't have to tell anyone. It's just the two of us."

So the two nuns agree to remove their clothing. Eventually they are both completely free of their habits and undergarments but are feeling quite a bit better. Then there is a knock on the door. They hear," Blind man."

"Oh my gosh, what should we do? We can't be seen like this."

"Don't worry nothing bad will come of this. He says that he is blind."

The two nuns agree to invite the man into the rectory. As he pushes the door open he shouts," Here's your blinds, Sisters. Where do you want 'em?"
 
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
 
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
 
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