Clean jokes...

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Outsourcing is getting worse and worse--you know, that custom of U.S. businesses sending work overseas so they can get it done lots cheaper.

One man said he was feeling pretty low and called the Depression Hotline. His call was answered by some guy in Pakistan!

When he said he was feeling suicidal, they got all excited and asked him if he could drive a truck...


(This can't be unsuitable for Community. It came from Garrison Keillor in his "Guy Noir: Private Eye" skit, "Prairie Home Companion," March 8, 2008 on NPR).
 
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
 
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
 
annr said:
Sorry, Morimotom,

Plotnick would be MR. Plotnik, the old geezer, her husband.:D
Click to expand...

So the curse is mr. plotnik himself. i see.

i think the time limit has expired for me on this one. i was confused so long that i lost the humorous aspect.


oh well....


:o
 
How do you know you're getting old?

First your eyesight dimishes. Then you get hard of hearing. Then, ah, uhm, <help> Does anyone remember what the third sign of getting old is???
 
WA Martin said:
How do you know you're getting old?

First your eyesight dimishes. Then you get hard of hearing. Then, ah, uhm, <help> Does anyone remember what the third sign of getting old is???
Click to expand...

I can honestly say at my age of 63, I have never seen a rerun on television recently, they say "Repeat" in the guide, but I never remember having seen it before. Use to when I was a kid, I hated it when the summer reruns started, now they have gone and done away with them, I think.:D
James
 
James Todd said:
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
Click to expand...

History credits Adam and Eve with being the first bookkeepers, because they invented the loose-leaf system.;)
 
From Little Micky:

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn't get discouraged.
So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground.
Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.
In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again.
After a while one of the pigeons ask the other, "Hey honey, don't you think its time we tell her that she's adopted?"
 
James Todd said:
I can honestly say at my age of 63, I have never seen a rerun on television recently, they say "Repeat" in the guide, but I never remember having seen it before. Use to when I was a kid, I hated it when the summer reruns started, now they have gone and done away with them, I think.:D
James
Click to expand...

A desperate, agitated man bursts in to the psychiatrist's office:

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm losing my mind!! I just can't remember anything: not what happened a year ago, a month ago, last week or even yesterday! I must be going nuts."

"Hmm, this sounds serious. Now tell me when did you first become aware of this problem?"

"Problem? What problem?"
 
A MECHANIC AND HIS DOG

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out loudly, proclaiming...

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
 
Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"



The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."



The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."



The second kid then says, "What are you here for?"



The first kid says, "A circumcision."



And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
 
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three
kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned
around to do some work.

A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the
window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said,
"Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."

Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They
should had thought of that before they joined my church."
 
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director,
'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'

Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them either;

.....teaspoon
.....teacup
.....bucket

to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director,
'A normal person would pull the plug.
Would you like a bed near the window?'

:)
G2
 
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o'the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago? She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, no, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'll be going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked,
'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! Marvelous! and how be yer loving hoosband ?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle!!'

;)
G2
 
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that
each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Magically Whoosssh! she immediately had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man thought for a minute and wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy! :)

G2
 
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out,
"Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

:)
G2
 
"The Resume"

One of the toughest tasks a Church faces, is choosing a minister.

A member of an official board, undergoing this painful process finally lost patience.

He'd watch the pastoral relations committee reject applicant after applicant,
for some fault, alleged or otherwise.

It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee.

He stood up to read a letter, supposedly, from another applicant.

"Gentlemen: Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position.

I have many qualifications. I've been a preacher with much success and also have had
some success as a writer.

Some say I'm a good organizer. I've been a leader most places I've been."

What I do, is a labour of love, from the grace of God, that is with me, and I require no
other payment.

"I am over 50 years of age.

I have never preached in one place for more than three years.

In someplaces, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances.

I must admit, I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any wrongdoing."

"My health is not too good, though I still get a great deal done.

The churches I have preached in, have been small, though located in several large cities.

I've not gotten along well with religious leaders in towns where I have preached.

In fact, some have threatened me and even attacked me physically.

I am not too good in keeping records. I have been know to forget who I baptized."

"However,if you can use me, I shall do my best for you."

The board member looked at the committee.
"Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?"

The good church folks were aghast.

Call an unhealthy, trouble-making,absentminded ex-jailbird?

Was the board member crazy?

Who has such colossal nerve?

They asked him 'Who signed the application? '

The board member eyed them all keenly, before he answered,

"It is signed, "the Apostle Paul."


G2
 
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