favorite quotes or analogies

"Some women avoid beer because of the calories, and at 25,810 calories per keg, who can blame them?"

or

"Its colder than a cast iron comode on the shady side of an iceburg"
 
"A friend will will help you move. A true friend will help you move a
body."

"It needs a little more cow bell." - Christopher Walken

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as
the fly by" Douglas Adams

"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full,
I say, are you going to drink that?"
 
Bumper Stickers Quotes:
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming & yelling
like the passengers in his car"

"Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand"

"Don't steal. The Government hates competition"

"Horn broken. Watch for finger"

"Hang up and drive"

"Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace"

"The only difference between a rut & a grave is the depth"

"Cat: The other white meat"

"I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work"

"Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it"

"My karma ran over your dogma"

"Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun"

"If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?"

"There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick & the dead"
 
"That knife is so dull you could ride it to California and not even scratch your ass." ...A maintenance guy in a factory I used to work at.

"When I was 18, I couldn't believe how stupid my father was. By the time I was 25, I was amazed how much he had learned." ...Samuel Clemens/Mark Twain, I'm sure I quoted it wrong but the idea is there.

Speaking of fathers, my Dad's fave was always "Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one fills up first." When I was being a jackass he'd threaten to knock me conscious.

"If I have to understand, don't bother to explain." ...on a bartender's t-shirt, I tipped him just for the shirt.

A different bartender once told me, "I don't drink in your bed, don't sleep on my bar!" To which I replied, "Baby, you can drink in my bed ANYtime." Oddly enough, she stopped serving me.

From "Full Metal Jacket" (a treasure trove of great quotes), my all-time personal favorite is "WHAT... THE... FUCK... IS THAT?!? A JELLY DONUT?!?" I use that at work all the time, no one knows what the hell I'm talking about :D

"Yes madam, I AM drunk... but tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly." ...Winston Churchill

For those times when you're asked to make shit into satin, "OK, let's put some lipstick on this pig, maybe no one will notice."

From "The Young Ones": Viv is badly hungover, Rick tells him, "That'll teach you to mix your drinks" Viv replies, "I already KNOW how to mix my drinks, you poofter!"

"She looks so good walking away, I almost don't want her to come back." ...Dale from "King of the Hill"

"To call you 'childish' would be an insult to children everywhere!" ...Jamie Lee Curtis's character, "A Fish Called Wanda" I think.

"There are two kinds of people in this world, and you're not one of them." ...unknown

Couple beers short of a sixpack, etc. etc...

Just saw this one on Jerry Fisk's site: "This knife will slice a radish so thin it will not give you gas."
 
Briggz said:
Mr. Carlson,

WKRP, In my opinion one of the best shows ever. Bailey Quaters is a very attractive lady (Jan Smithers)
Click to expand...

Originally Posted by FLIX
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!"


-- FLIX
Click to expand...

Them saying "Oh the humanity" as those Turkeys rained down from the helicopter. :D LMAO

One of funniest visuals ever.

KR
 
When I was in the Army, I found myself in the position of having seven different jobs with four different bosses. I applied for leave and told one of the bosses, a bird colonel, that I was tired of being "passed around like a drunk prom date"
 
if you assume you make a ASS out of U and ME ...ASS U ME

if you dont want to do something you could say" i had rather be beat out of hell with a stick of stove wood than do that".

i had rather be tried by 12 than carried by 6

whew i am glad to see them leave , their little boy was "like a bull in a china shop"

IF you get a price at a store for a part, car or something i always respond.."Now i dont need 10 of them ..how much is just 1". or "Its a good thing i dont have to buy 2"

i am so broke if it cost 2 cents to take a shit i couldnt afford to fart

there are 2 rules that never bend cutting toward yourself or pissing in the wind.

dug in like a tick on a hound dog

its a tit bit nipply

i am so horney the crack of dawn looks good

she's got Peter Pan legs ...smooth and easy to spread

i dated a sex goddess ...but then i married a NUN!

He's lower than whale shit

where you work and who you marry will be key to you being happy

he would climb a tree to tell a lie ..rather than stay on the ground and tell the truth

i hate to see you go ...but ...i love to watch you leave

i am so sick and tied of waking up ...sick and tired
 
-You can't polish a turd
-all over him like a rat on a cheetoe(Randy Couture)
-I feel like I've been shot at and missed and shit at and hit
-where are we going and what are we doing in this handbasket
 
I learned a lot of these from my theatre.

"There is no job so simple that it can't be done wrong"

"Whenever you make something idiot proof, someone will always go and make a better idiot."

"The amount of time it takes for a task to be completed is directly proportional to the amount of people standing around doing absolutely nothing"

"Beat to fit, paint to match"

The first principle of opera set design, "Good from afar, but far from good."

And always: BE PREPARED
 
I was once told that: if your to drunk to read- dont post on internet fourms...guess i didn't tkae that advice.....
 
If I want your opinion I'll give it to you.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would have farted.
Better to hit a few bumps than be stuck in a rut.
I have no dog in this fight.
Hey, you're milking this cow.
(To your girlfriend when she's going out with the girls). Be a good cowgirl, you know, keep your calves together.
Some peoples children!
Arguing on the internet is like competing in special olympics. Even if you win you're still a retard.
There are two kinds of people in the world. Shooters and targets.
90% of statitics are made up on the spot.
If you don't like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
 
When a child wouldn't want to eat dinner, my grandfather would say, "Eat to keep from getting hungry." And he wasn't fat, either :D

Some noteworthy quotes:

"The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on the campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things."
- Richard P. Feynman

"Freedom is the opportunity to be responsible for oneself."
- someone on thehighroad.org

"The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword does not bear sin."
- Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century

"One may speak of peace only with those who are peaceful. To talk peace with he who holds a drawn sword is foolish, unless one is unarmed, and then one must talk very fast indeed."
- Louis L'Amour
 
This is a great thread...

"Couldn't find his ass if he was sitting on both hands."
"Still looking up your ass to see if your hat's on straight?"
"Got a face like he/she came 5'th place in a hatchet fight."
 
"of every 100 men in battle, 10 shouldnt even be there. 80 are nothing more than targets. 9 are fighters, we are lucky to have them, they the battle make. ah, but the one. one of them is a warrior, and he will bring the others back." heraclitus 500bc

"some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. i say the glass is too big." george carlin
 
"life is never so bad that it can't get worse"

Not sure if I have ever heard that before but it just came out of my mouth when a guy at works was talking about spilling his coffee in the car this morning.
 
He's as f**ked up as a soup sandwich
As useless as a screen door on a submarine
There's never enough time to do the job right but there's always time to re-do it.
 
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