Clean jokes...

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After church one Sunday morning,
a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was way too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "Well, you've got to admit, it was a pretty
good show for a dollar."

:)
G2
 
Things that you will learn in engineering:

> You can study hard and still fail

> You can not study and pass

> Multiple choice does not mean easy

> There are no trains here

> Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts

>* You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final
and still do better than an arts student in any arts class

> Pi to six decimal places

> Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks

> Those who can, do, those who can't, teach

> A 95.75% can be an A

> An 80.1% can be an A+

> You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery


G2
 
Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.

He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest.
His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest thinking what a great opportunity replied
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."

"My goodness!!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said,
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't Father, but I was just reading here that the Pope does.

:)
G2
 
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age
Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor. So, I set the remote back down on the t able, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,

----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Send this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
PS I just remembered, I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING :)

G2
 
A minister tells a joke

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference that was
intended to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One of the speakers boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention,
said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" -
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.

As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head.
But it suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly,
"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,

"...and I can't remember who she was!"

;)

G2
 
Closing sermon words

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


--------------------------------------------------------

A sermon about lying

A minister told his congregation,
"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

:)
G2
 
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party.
Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice.
Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said,
"Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."

The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote
down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice.
The next morning he took out the list and was about to give it to his secretary,
just as she walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.

G2
 
One last one, one of my favourite ones ;)

A tale of two brothers

In a very small town, there were two brothers in a construction business.
One brother died.
The day of his funeral the brother asked the pastor to do him a favour
'When you get up there, say something nice about my brother, ok?'
The pastor said, I can't do that, your brother was a terrible man!
The brother said, if you say something nice about my brother,
I'll give you ten thousand for the building fund!

The pastor thought about it and said, 'I'll have to pray about this!'

Later on, as the service began, the pastor walked down to the front
of the room, as he past the pew where the brother was, the brother
said 'don't forget!'
to which the pastor just raised his hand to quiet him.

The pastor got to the front and said 'Today, we come to bury this man
who, in all the years of his life was a most dishonest man, a cheating
drunk that would take your last dollar and bet it on a horse race.
The kind of man you'd not trust ANY thing with, a liar and a deceiver!

The pastor paused and then pointed to the other brother.

But, when you compare him to his brother, this man was a Saint!

:)

G2
 
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
 
Alabama :

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked..

" Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

" A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going
to steal Henry!"
 
Louisiana :

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied
he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana
20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
 
Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said
to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from
the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."
 
Tennessee :

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper
asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
 
North Carolina :

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.


The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
 
A pastor was searching for something in his wife's closet one day when he came across a small wooden box, tucked away in a remote corner. When he opened the lid, he was surprised to find nearly $2000 in cash and two eggs. Curious, he took the box to his wife.

"Oh," she smiled awkwardly when she saw the box. "I figured you'd find that some day."

When he asked for an explanation, she replied, "Well, whenever you preach a bad sermon, I place an egg in the box."

The pastor looked at the two eggs in the box and thought to himself, "After twenty years of preaching and only two eggs, that's not too bad!"

Then he asked, "But what about the 2000 dollars?"

She explained, "Whenever I collect a dozen eggs, I sell them and put the money in the box."
 
The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion,
a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who are standing under it. They
decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the
tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.














If your answer is:


Lion = you're dull.


Chimpanzee = you're a moron.


Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.


Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off
and relax!
 
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed his head against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
James Todd said:
The second kid then says, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Click to expand...

A man strolling down Main Street enjoys the window displays of the many fine shops found in this part of town: the boutique displaying designer women’s dresses, another with men’s haberdashery, the next devoted to fine leather goods. It isn’t until he reaches the shop whose storefront is filled with some of the most gorgeous wrist and pocket watches that he stops.

He enters the shop and sees a small man hunched in the rear poring over his paperwork. This man, the shopkeeper, does not look up or speak. Finally the customer breaks the silence:

“Excuse me. How much is this one here, the vintage pocket watch in front?”, he says pointing to one of the watches in the window.

“That’s not for sale.”

A few more minutes pass as the shopper relishes the displays.

“Excuse me. How much would that Rolex with the diamonds be”?

“That’s not for sale.”

The customer continues to investigate and says pointing to another watch, “That looks like a custom piece. How much does it go for?”

“Yes, that is a custom piece. It’s not for sale either.”

At this point the would-be customer expresses his uncertainty, “Well, which items do you have for sale?”

To which the shopkeeper replies, “None of them.”

“None of them? How can that be? So what are you doing here with all these watches and in this shop?”

“I’m a mohel. What do you suggest I put in the window?”
 
annr said:
“I’m a mohel. What do you suggest I put in the window?”
Click to expand...
Biblically, the infant's father is commanded to perform the circumcision himself. However, as most fathers are not comfortable or do not have the training, they designate a mohel as a delegate. No longer confused.
 
James Todd said:
:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:
Click to expand...

Aha! Ok. I could tell you OR you could think another minute, reflecting on your quote which I so carefully parsed.....you may assume there is a connection. :D I'll give you a guess, how about that? then I'll find you a texbook definition.:D:D if need be.
 
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