Clean jokes...

Status
Not open for further replies.
annr said:
Aha! Ok. I could tell you OR you could think another minute, reflecting on your quote which I so carefully parsed.....you may assume there is a connection. :D I'll give you a guess, how about that? then I'll find you a texbook definition.:D:D if need be.
Click to expand...

Biblically, the infant's father is commanded to perform the circumcision himself. However, as most fathers are not comfortable or do not have the training, they designate a mohel as a delegate.

I guess I should have looked that up FIRST.
 
An Eastern newspaper reporter on an assignment in Kentucky (Jim, did you forget about KY?) struck up a conversation with a young blonde in a small bar. After half a dozen drinks, he suggested that they buy a bottle of champaigne and retire to his room. She agreed.

"Say, how old are you?", asked the reporter as she was about to disrobe.
"Thirteen, "She replied.
"Thirteen? My God! Stop and get out of here!"

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed beauty said: "Superstitious, huh?"
 
Winner of 'First' Worst Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first
date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took
the prize! She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and
the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City,
Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after
all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun, relatively
uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They
were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about
an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it,
which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow
and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had
better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front
seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the
car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't
have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to
steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching
for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
seeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the
rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however,
she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her
pants, the young lady
discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a
reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself
with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he
burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally
managed to compose themselves they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real
problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten
her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized
that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the
other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee
her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she
took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be
"pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay
Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.
This is one time it is truly better to be pissed on than pissed off!!!!!!!!!!
 
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
 
Brown Paper Jake:

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?"

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff.
"He wears a brown paper hat,
a brown paper waistcoat,
a brown paper shirt,
brown paper boots,
brown paper pants, and
a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

:)

G2
 
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.

I said, 'Mom,...they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

G2
 
Some sayings by a fellow named Peter Kay;

*******************

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. :)

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.

My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

G2
 
The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AMfor an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said,"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

:)
G2
 
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Alabama quarters.

"We are recalling all of the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The winning design for the Alabama quarter was submitted by University of Alabama student William Doutrieux.

"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
 
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.

"Why not?" he was asked.

"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'"

He paused.

"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.

"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes."
 
Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most of America's population think its improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child
for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving
after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions
with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Scroll down







attachment.php


Sincerely,
A Friend


This works with grandchildren also.
 
James Todd said:
Winner of 'First' Worst Date
Click to expand...

I don't know what contest this would qualify for but this story has some of the same elements:

A true story, happened to me in high school. I accepted an invitation to go on week-long trip with a guy I knew from high school and his family. We would stay in a cabins in the woods and go skiing, etc. I was told to meet at his house in early afternoon the day of departure so that we would leave no later than 2pm, making the three to four-hour drive in mostly daylight. This was the first time I had been to his house or met his family. I knew one of his brothers from school.

I drove to his house and did a double take pulling into the driveway. There in the front yard was a broken down refrigerator; next to it a washer or dryer. OK, noted. I enter their house. The living room is filled with newspapers piled to the ceiling, yes to the ceiling; the furniture is covered in laundry. To my left the dining room table is covered with piles of laundry. There was a bird in a large cage. The kitchen table is buried. All of the fronts of the kitchen cabinets are missing. Soon a chicken walks past us. In the bathroom, and no surprise, there is a vacuum cleaner on the floor in the middle of the room.
-----------------------
Next I learn who will be coming along:
-The father (one of MIT’s youngest grads, and now a University professor of Physics)
-The mother (a PhD and professor of Spanish Poetry and Literature)
-The two guys I hung out with, both presidential scholars with perfect SAT scores
-The middle child, an autistic girl who was prone to outburst of profanity
-Two younger siblings ages 7 and 5.

Added to that:
-The mother invites one of her students from university, a woman in her mid-twenties.
-2 goats.
-----------------------------------
If you’ve kept count you’ll see by now that we are going to need two vehicles.

BUT as soon as I arrived they told me that they decided that day that the van needed transmission work and it wasn’t ready yet. After looking around I quite believed that the van would need something that could take a while.

By late afternoon, maybe an hour before sundown, the van and the people and the luggage, skis, gear and the critters are assembled and loaded. We begin the 3.5 hour ride. Things are going pretty well until we get to the base of the mountain (12.000ft.?) and we need to stop to put chains on one of the vehicles. While we are stopped the mother’s friend gets out, we assume to pee, but it turns out that she takes off into the woods in the dark. Only then do I learn the true reason that she came along, she was suicidal. When the friend doesn’t return or respond to our yelling and shouting her name, the mother puts on cross country skis and heads into the woods to find her.


It is pitch dark, freezing cold we are all hungry; the autistic sister is not doing well; and the little ones are having a tough time as well.

Finally we found the cabins and the rest of the story is for another day. But this was just the beginning.....
 
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter says to this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute!" says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."
 
Not PC, but clean...

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all about it.
"One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was really neat."

"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"

"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. That was really neat."

"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"

"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit Big Ben in London."

"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"

"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did attend mass at the Vatican."

"Really? What happened?"

"Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his right crutch, and he dropped his left crutch."

"Cool. What happened then?"

"George fell on his ass. He's a cripple, you know."
 
Another...

The Differences Between Women And Men

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
Last one for now. An oldie but goodie.


19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TO A BAD TAX SERVICE By Dave Tippett



10. They ask if you want fries with that refund.



9. IRS auditors have their own parking spot.



8. Overhear preparer muttering to himself, "What would Bono do?"



7. Corporate motto: "Never Convicted!"



6. Preparer calculating return by stamping out numbers with his foot.



5. In parking lot, IRS agent comes up and asks if you wouldn't mind wearing a wire.



4. Notice they are doing your return on an Etch-A-Sketch.



3. When guy's done with your return, shakes a bag of chicken bones at it to dispel evil spirits.



2. They can replace your muffler at the same time.



1. They have a frequent guest punch card from the folks at "Sixty Minutes."



Copyright 2008 Dave Tippett (djtippHA@yahoo.com). Permission is granted to send this to others.
 
I hope this isn't too racy for this thread. ;)


A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
" Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
Do you know what the insane asylum choral group name is? I will give you a hint, they tap an apple with a pencil to keep time.


Scroll down for answer














Morantapanapple choir
Say it fast
 
Top 10 signs you're too old to Trick or Treat :

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or______ ." And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating.... You keep having to go home to pee.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top