Clean jokes...

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THE LORD and THE BIKER

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in allways,


I will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Thank you, Lord.
Please build a bridge to Hawaii
so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said,


"Your request is materialistic.
Think of the enormous undertaking;
the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific,
and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something
that could possibly help mankind.

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said,

"Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she really means when she says nothings wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge??"
 
Said the new minister from the pulpit: "----And finally, dearly beloved, I must make a confession. I did not mind too much when, during my sermon, some you cast covert glances at your watches. What did upset me was when you held your watches next to your ears to make sure they were still running."
 
A national election was recently held in Cuba. It was, of course, "by secret ballot."

One worker in a voting queue approached the polling table, where he was handed a sealed envelope by a guard:

"Just drop this ballot in the slot."

The worker started to open the sealed envelope.

"Caramba! What you doing?"

"I want to see who I vote for."

"Dummy!" said the guard. "That you find out tomorrow. Don't you realize this is secret ballot?!"
 
A minister was having a new church built, he planned a lot of it by himself and had the architects build into it some special items. His congregation had a habit of filling the back pews first. So he had it fixed so that when the back row was filled all the seats would automatically move forward one row. Worked like magic, he had folks down front for the first time is a long while. He was preaching up a storm and the time got away from him. When the clock struck 12, the pulpit and all surrounding area disappeared down into the basement.
 
The family's GP cleared his throat. "I'll be glad to turn off the lights."

He snapped the switch on the wall. "Go ahead, madam. Just tell me when your you're done."

After a few minutes his patient called, "Okay, doctor..........Where shall I put my clothes?"

In the dark she could hear the internist's voice as sweet as honey:

"Over here. On top of mine."
 
This story is true, it was reprinted in the Readers Digest many years ago, written by my uncle.

My uncle went fishing all the time after his retirement, all by himself most the time, putting in the boat was never a problem for him. Once, his wife who wanted to be with him, talked him into taking her with him. Off they went to Weiss Lake to do some crappie fishing. He is not too far from the bank, when he hears a man hollering at him. The man compliments him on taking his wife fishing and ask him, "How did you talk her into coming with you?" My uncle hollers back, How did you get yours to stay home?

You might say he was in the doghouse for a long time after that, but after he gave her the 100 from Readers Digest, she forgave him.

James
 
The psychiatrist instructs his patient to sit down:
"Now, what brings you here?"

"People!" he says. "Stupid people! Doctor, I have to tell you I despair about the whole human race!"

"Mmh. Well, what is it that people actually do that makes you so bitter?"

"The call me crazy, that's what they do! No matter what I say or suggest--they say I am a crazy! They won't listen to a word of truth!"

"Well perhaps you ought to start a the beginning....."

The patient replies:
" OK. In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without from and void..."
 
annr said:
OK, you got me. Mystified, I think.:confused::confused::confused:
Click to expand...
Us Southern boys and girls like our sermons to be over with at 12:00, time for lunch, so the Deacons, had his pulpit fixed to go down with him at 12:00.
Hope that helps.
 
James Todd said:
Us Southern boys and girls like our sermons to be over with at 12:00, time for lunch, so the Deacons, had his pulpit fixed to go down with him at 12:00.
Hope that helps.
Click to expand...

I had no clue. That's what the musician's union is for up here. :) There are cases when the service has to end by 12:00 or they have to pay overtime. In fact, they MAKE us leave, sneak out a side door at 11:57, if the service will run late. Now that feels really weird, but I guess it has its advantages.
 
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine; I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow!"
 
Hillary went to NYC on a trip. She stopped at a fortuneteller in the Village where the lady said she had two bits of bad news for her.
One, she would lose the election.

Two, her husband would be killed in a violent manner.

The former first lady buried her head in her hands, sobbing. Finally, she looked up and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
 
Two friends seated on a park bench:

"Now, Herb, how is it that you are not married yet?"

"I dunno. It seems every time I meet a girl who would make a good wife, a nice home, even cook like my mother..."

"Yes?"

"She looks like my father."
 
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

Doug :)
 
And I thought my Hillary jokes were on the cutting edge, Thanks Doug C, you made me laugh, that helps out right before bedtime.
Jim
 
Doug C said:
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
Click to expand...

You fooled me. I thought he was going to believe in feeling something completely different.:D
 
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
 
One day a man was walking by the monkey cage in the zoo, he stopped to enjoy the antics. He threw a peanut to one monkey, the monkey promptly put the peanut up his bottom and then took it out and ate it. The man was amazed, he threw another one. Same thing happened, Again he threw and again the monkey did the same thing, up rear and out then he ate it. The man saw the zoo keeper and hollered at him to come over and watch. The man said to the zoo keeper, "That monkey must be the dumbest monkey ever, did you see what he does with the peanuts I give him?" The zoo keeper said, "In fact, he is the smartest animal we have in the zoo. Last month, someone gave him a peach and he could not pass the pit, had to have surgery, now he measures everything."
 
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