Clean jokes...

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This is one of my favorites.

A parrot flyes into a store and lands on the counter. He asks the man if he has any grapes and the man says no. The parrot leaves and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The man again says no. The parrot leaves and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The man says " No and if you come back tommorrow I'm going to ducttape your beak shut." The parrot leaves and comes back the next day and asks "Got any ducttape," the man says no so the parrot asks "got any grapes."
 
This is SAT testing week in Alabama, the following note was sent to my daughter as to what to do in case of severe weather.

Severe Weather Testing Protocols



1. Should a severe weather situation occur during
testing, please remain calm. To display any kind of anxiety would be a
testing irregularity and must be reported.

2. Please do not look out the window to watch for
approaching tornadoes. You must monitor the students at all times. To do
otherwise would be a testing irregularity and must be reported.

3. Should students notice an approaching tornado
and begin to cry, please make every effort to protect their testing
materials from the flow of tears and sinus drainage.

4. Should a flying object come through your window
during testing, please make every effort to ensure that it does not land
on a testing booklet or an answer sheet. Please make sure to soften the
landing of the flying object so that it will not disturb the students
while testing.

5. Should shards of glass from a broken window come
flying into the room, have the students use their bodies to shield their
testing materials so that they will not be damaged. Have plenty of gauze
on hand to ensure that no one accidentally bleeds on the answer
documents. Damaged answer sheets will not scan properly.

6. Should gale force winds ensue, please have
everyone stuff their test booklets and answer sheets into their shirts,
being very careful not to bend them because bent answer documents will
not scan properly.

7. If any student gets sucked into the vortex of
the funnel cloud, please make sure they mark at least one answer before
departing and of course make sure they leave their answer sheets and
test booklets behind. You will have to account for those.

8. Should a funnel cloud pick you up and take you flying over the rainbow, you will still
be required to account for all of your testing materials when you land
so please take extra precautions. Remember, once you have checked them
out, they should never leave your hands.



9. When rescue workers arrive to dig you out of the
rubble, please make sure that they do not, at any time, look at or
handle the testing materials. Once you have been treated for your
injuries, you will still be responsible for checking your materials back
in. Search dogs will not be allowed to sift through the rubble for lost
tests unless of course they have been through standardized test
training.
 
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly .

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you .

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 ..

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call .

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship .

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press .

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 .

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the beep ..

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 .

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you .

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry . You won't be crazy forever .

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up .
 
Appeared in print:

"The bride and her mother were in the deceiving line."

"The president who has been sick for several days, is now in bed with a coed."

"They were married and lived happily even after."
 
A mule dies along the road of an old Church, the priest calls the sheriff up and ask
him to come and take it away.
The sheriff replies, 'well, don't you guys give last rights?' he chuckles
the priest replies, 'yes we do, we also call their next of kin' ...:)

(insert your favourite name for mule)
G2
 
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.



Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.
 
The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin . The Wisconsin State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me," replied the farmer.
 
Well, this one isn't a joke, but a quote, and it could make you smile:

"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."
-Johann Sebastian Bach-
 
3wolves said:
a hillbillie goes into an electronics store and asks the sales associate, "How much is that t.v?"
The sales associate says "sorry I dont sell to hillbillies."

So the hillbillie wears a fancy suit and hat and goes back. "How much does that t.v cost?" (in a british accent).

Sales associate: "look I already told you I dont sell to hillbillies."

So the hillbillie goes back home and covers his face with bandages so its immpossible to recognize him. "How much is that t.v?"

Sales associate: How many f**** times do I have to tell that I dont sell to hillbillies?"


Hillbillie: "Okay, fine I give up. I wont come here again but just tell me how you knew it was me."

Sales associate: "Thats not a t.v, its a microwave."
Click to expand...

I actually has someone in my house some years back who told me i had a "very nice TV", i replied: "it's a microwave oven".
 
Received in email :


> In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
>
> Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
>
> He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. "
>
> Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.
>
> "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
>
> "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
>
> Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
>
> Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
>
> When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
>
> They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
>
> Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
>
> I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
>
> Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
>
> The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
>
> To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
>
> So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
>
> Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
>
> "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.
>
 
A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other priest in copying the
old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the priest are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.

The Bishop says, 'We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the
monastery where the original manuscripts are held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop . .


So, the young priest gets worried and goes down to
look for him. He sees him banging his head against the
wall and wailing,

'We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young priest asks the old
Bishop, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old Bishop replies, 'The
word was...'CELEBRATE !!
 
Originally posted by bladsmith in around the grinder, hope you do not mind.

Hillary was stumping in a small town and passed by a young lad , sitting in his front yard with his dog and her litter of newborn puppies. She petted the puppies (posing for a photo-op), and asked the little boy who his puppies would vote for. The boy replied ," They are gonna vote for you!" Everyone laughed, the cameramen took a lot of photos, and the group when on their way.

A month later Obama was in town for a rally. He passed by the boy, now playing in his front yard with the rambunctious pups. He stopped and petted a puppy (posing for a photo-op) and asked the boy who the puppies would vote for. The boy smiled and said, " There gonna vote for you!" Everyone laughed, and one of the photographers called out, " Hey,son, last time you said they was votin' for Hillary?" The boy called back, " Yeah, but now their eyes is open."

Stacy
 
THE GOOD-BYE LETTER

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend,
because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy,
and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes,
and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

;)
G2
 
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

:)
G2
 
Pardon me if this has been posted, you know at my age, I have discovered something great about TV, they never show repeats anymore, I don't know how they do it, new shows every week all year long.
James


A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race come about?"



The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."



Two days later she asks her mother the same question.



The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."



The confused girl returns to her father and says: "Dad, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says we developed from monkeys?"



The Father answers, "That's simple, honey. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your mother told you about her side."
 
A drunk walks up to a cop and says "I'd like to report a stolen car." The cop is suspicious but asks "Where was the last place you saw it?" The drunk holds up his key ring and says "It was right on the end of this key."

The cop figures he's waisting his time and says "I don't know what to make of your claim, I think you're gonna need to go downtown to make a report." As the drunks turns to walk away the cop adds " But you might want to zip up your pants before you go." Surprised, the drunk looks down and says "awwww man, they got my girlfriend too!"
 
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and
give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was
toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work......
The a__hole is usually in charge.
 
James Todd said:
Pardon me if this has been posted, you know at my age, I have discovered something great about TV, they never show repeats anymore, I don't know how they do it, new shows every week all year long.
James
Click to expand...

What writer's strike?:confused:

THE COW​

The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.​

-Ogden Nash
 
Speaking of Cows!

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
 
James Todd said:
Speaking of......"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie"
Click to expand...

FAMILY COURT

One would be in less danger
From the wiles of the stranger
If one's own kin and kith
Were more fun to be with.​

-Ogden Nash
 
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