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Clean jokes...
- Thread starter Gary W. Graley
- Start date
- Status
annr
Basic Member
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2006
- Messages
- 9,784
THIRD LIMICK
Two nudists of Dover,
Being purple all over,
Were munched by a cow
When mistaken for clover.
Two nudists of Dover,
Being purple all over,
Were munched by a cow
When mistaken for clover.
-Ogden Nash
NB What's LIMICK??
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2007
- Messages
- 3,106
...and I don't remember reading it here yet so...
God calls St. Peter into the throne room one day to brief him on some pilot programs for heaven, one of which will be to start allowing small pets. When God finishes he tells Peter that the first candidates are already waiting at the gate and the next shouldn't be too far behind.
Peter goes out to the gate to find the three blind mice, who of course aren't blind anymore because this is heaven and they've been made whole. Peter welcomes them and explains the program and asks if there is anything special they would like. The mice ask for roller skates to get around on because on earth they always had to run from cats and dogs and housewives and children and they would like to get around a little easier and it always looked like the kids were having such fun. Peter says ok and pretty soon the angels have fitted the mice with their roller skates and away they go.
The doorbell announces another guest has arrived at the pearly gates and Peter goes out to welcome a cat. Peter welcomes the cat, explains the program, and asks if there is anything the cat would like. Well, says the cat, in my years on earth I was often cold and wet, out in the weather, and the sun didn't shine much where I lived. If its not too much to ask, I'd like to have a warm dry room to sleep in with a nice soft pillow and a warm heating register in front of a large picture window through which the sun always shines. "Done!" says Peter and the cat is shown to his room.
A few days later God asks Peter for a sitrep on the pets in heaven program. Peter explains to God that he hasn't seen the mice around, probably having too much fun with their skating, but he'll go check with the cat and come back with a report.
Peter finds the cat and asks how its going. The cat thanks Peter generously for the pillow and the heat and the window - everything is just perfect. Peter asks the cat if there is anything else it would like. The cat remarks, "Well, I think you all have it covered already. The only thing I forgot to ask for was food. I can't really thank you enough for those meals on wheels..."
God calls St. Peter into the throne room one day to brief him on some pilot programs for heaven, one of which will be to start allowing small pets. When God finishes he tells Peter that the first candidates are already waiting at the gate and the next shouldn't be too far behind.
Peter goes out to the gate to find the three blind mice, who of course aren't blind anymore because this is heaven and they've been made whole. Peter welcomes them and explains the program and asks if there is anything special they would like. The mice ask for roller skates to get around on because on earth they always had to run from cats and dogs and housewives and children and they would like to get around a little easier and it always looked like the kids were having such fun. Peter says ok and pretty soon the angels have fitted the mice with their roller skates and away they go.
The doorbell announces another guest has arrived at the pearly gates and Peter goes out to welcome a cat. Peter welcomes the cat, explains the program, and asks if there is anything the cat would like. Well, says the cat, in my years on earth I was often cold and wet, out in the weather, and the sun didn't shine much where I lived. If its not too much to ask, I'd like to have a warm dry room to sleep in with a nice soft pillow and a warm heating register in front of a large picture window through which the sun always shines. "Done!" says Peter and the cat is shown to his room.
A few days later God asks Peter for a sitrep on the pets in heaven program. Peter explains to God that he hasn't seen the mice around, probably having too much fun with their skating, but he'll go check with the cat and come back with a report.
Peter finds the cat and asks how its going. The cat thanks Peter generously for the pillow and the heat and the window - everything is just perfect. Peter asks the cat if there is anything else it would like. The cat remarks, "Well, I think you all have it covered already. The only thing I forgot to ask for was food. I can't really thank you enough for those meals on wheels..."
annr
Basic Member
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2006
- Messages
- 9,784
Yesterday, such a nice day for a walk: clear skies, warm temps, birds...
on the right is a rather steep, thickly tree-lined slope, on the left the most curious bird I had heard: salt and pepper, middle-aged, about 5'8", 170 lbs. w/ a toothpick in his mouth. This 'bird' with cupped hands flapping in front of his mouth turned to me and explained, "I'm trying to learn to sing with the birds." I wished him the best; he kept bird calling and his wife kept chasing after the kids. Reminded me of this:
-Ogden Nash
on the right is a rather steep, thickly tree-lined slope, on the left the most curious bird I had heard: salt and pepper, middle-aged, about 5'8", 170 lbs. w/ a toothpick in his mouth. This 'bird' with cupped hands flapping in front of his mouth turned to me and explained, "I'm trying to learn to sing with the birds." I wished him the best; he kept bird calling and his wife kept chasing after the kids. Reminded me of this:
THE HUNTER
The hunter crouches in his blink
'Neath comouflage of every kind,
And conjures up a quacking noise
To lend allure to his decoys.
This grown-up man, with pluck and luck
Is hoping to outwit a duck.
The hunter crouches in his blink
'Neath comouflage of every kind,
And conjures up a quacking noise
To lend allure to his decoys.
This grown-up man, with pluck and luck
Is hoping to outwit a duck.
-Ogden Nash
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this............A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. ' She was here and you could have.'
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this............A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. ' She was here and you could have.'
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
Fred was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
REALLY angry.
She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!!'
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the
house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
REALLY angry.
She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!!'
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the
house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
An old one,
Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a
speaking engagement
and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there
to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get
into the limo,
he stopped
and spoke to the driver.
'You know'
he said,
'I am 87 years old
and I have never
driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I
drove it for a while?'
The driver said,
'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,
'I know we are supposed
to enforce the law....
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person.'
The supervisor asked,
'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said,
'No, he's more important
than that.'
The supervisor said,
'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said,
'No, he's even more
important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked,
'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said,
'I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a
speaking engagement
and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there
to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get
into the limo,
he stopped
and spoke to the driver.
'You know'
he said,
'I am 87 years old
and I have never
driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I
drove it for a while?'
The driver said,
'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,
'I know we are supposed
to enforce the law....
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person.'
The supervisor asked,
'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said,
'No, he's more important
than that.'
The supervisor said,
'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said,
'No, he's even more
important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked,
'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said,
'I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
Never Choke in a restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that
today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather
shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain.
After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher
responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?"
"No," said the mother.
"Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher.
"So how DO you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter.
Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'"
today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather
shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain.
After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher
responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?"
"No," said the mother.
"Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher.
"So how DO you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter.
Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'"
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
Priceless The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 -- OR --
If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than
the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than
the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
annr
Basic Member
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2006
- Messages
- 9,784
You promise??
I've been down to my last 3 for some time now; manageable....
barely.
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
annr
Basic Member
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2006
- Messages
- 9,784
Music to my ears....eyes!
UffDa
Gold Member
- Joined
- Sep 11, 1999
- Messages
- 42,596
I can't read all of the posts. I may not live long enough. Anyway, I hope that this one hasn't already been posted.
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their
carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with
blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look
like?'
The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look
for Yours.'
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their
carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with
blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look
like?'
The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look
for Yours.'
UffDa
Gold Member
- Joined
- Sep 11, 1999
- Messages
- 42,596
Ready for a groaner?
April 44 BC.
A fruit grower in ancient Rome was amazed one day to find a berry that was more round, more colorful, and in every way more perfect than any berry he had ever seen. He plucked it, and took it home to his wife. The wife was so amazed at the perfection of this berry that she chose not to eat it, and instead took it around and showed it to her friends. Word spread, and soon people were coming from all over the land to see this magnificent fruit. The grower and his wife soon became rather wealthy by charging people admission to view the berry. Such was its beauty that lines formed outside of the growers house day and night with people waiting to pay for the privilege of viewing an example of nature's perfection. It was not very long before word of this reached Octavious. Being the emperor, he did not consider it proper that he, should be deprived of this perfect berry, so he sent a centurion and 10 soldiers to retrieve it and bring it to him.
It was very late at night when the soldiers arrived at the growers
house. They pounded on the door. "Go away, we're closed for the day",
shouted the grower from his bed. "We have come for the berry", the
centurion called back. "Come back tomorrow, there's no more viewing of
the berry tonight", shouted the grower, beginning to lose his patience.
"You don't understand", called the centurion... "We come to seize your
berry, not to praise it.
April 44 BC.
A fruit grower in ancient Rome was amazed one day to find a berry that was more round, more colorful, and in every way more perfect than any berry he had ever seen. He plucked it, and took it home to his wife. The wife was so amazed at the perfection of this berry that she chose not to eat it, and instead took it around and showed it to her friends. Word spread, and soon people were coming from all over the land to see this magnificent fruit. The grower and his wife soon became rather wealthy by charging people admission to view the berry. Such was its beauty that lines formed outside of the growers house day and night with people waiting to pay for the privilege of viewing an example of nature's perfection. It was not very long before word of this reached Octavious. Being the emperor, he did not consider it proper that he, should be deprived of this perfect berry, so he sent a centurion and 10 soldiers to retrieve it and bring it to him.
It was very late at night when the soldiers arrived at the growers
house. They pounded on the door. "Go away, we're closed for the day",
shouted the grower from his bed. "We have come for the berry", the
centurion called back. "Come back tomorrow, there's no more viewing of
the berry tonight", shouted the grower, beginning to lose his patience.
"You don't understand", called the centurion... "We come to seize your
berry, not to praise it.
- Status