Clean jokes...

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This is an oldie,

What is green and turns red at the press of a button?








A frog in a liquidiser.
 
Tim-Gabz said:
?,,??,,,??? 'uh?
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I'm with Tim on this one. I'm sure it's a phrase that we all know in a slightly different form, but I'm not hearing it. I've even said it out loud, and still, nothing.

Any insight for a dull mind? I always like these turn-of-a-phrase jokes.

DD
 
In Shakespeare's version of history Marc Antony begins a speech, "I have come not to praise Caesar but to bury him." (Then he keeps saying "Brutus is an honorable man," but it turns out he doesn't mean that literally....)
 
Daniel Dorn said:
I'm with Tim on this one. I'm sure it's a phrase that we all know in a slightly different form, but I'm not hearing it. I've even said it out loud, and still, nothing.

Any insight for a dull mind? I always like these turn-of-a-phrase jokes.

DD
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Don't feel badly - I was thinking that it must be either my eyesight or my remaining 3 brain cells that were letting me down.:confused::confused: Now I see that it was the brain cells.:D
 
I think the people who didn't get that one live in parts of the world where "bury" is not pronounced the same as "berry."
 
CUSTOMER: Waiter, waiter!

WAITER: I'm here.

CUSTOMER: This fish is awful! It smells. It--

WAITER: Wait a minute, mister! You ate here three nights ago and said the fish was delicious!

CUSTOMER: That was four---not three--nights ago!

WAITER: Mister, I give you my word, this is the same fish!
 
A visitor to San Francisco placed a garland of roses on the grave of his grandfather. As he turned to leave, he noticed an old Chinese gentleman placing a bowl of rice on a grave nearby. The American smiled.

The Chinese, noting this, bowed. "What pleases you so?" he politely inquired.

"I was just wondering---when do you expect the dead to eat that rice?"

"About the same time," sighed the Chinese gentleman, "that your dead smell those flowers."
 
True Story!!!!
Close friends of Jeff Foxworthy are asked to send him all the Redneck things that they see that are funny or typical of rednecks for his routines.

One friend was in a Wal Mart bathroom and saw a man standing at the urinal Barefooted , friend is mortified, but thinks he is finally going to get one on Jeff, so he texts Jeff, about the man in the restroom and within thirty seconds, he gets a reply from Jeff, Jeff says for the friend to go right back in to Wal-Mart and to tell his uncle that he left his shoes in his truck.

Hard to get one ahead of Jeff, quick on his feet and mind.
 
Cougar Allen said:
In Shakespeare's version of history Marc Antony begins a speech, "I have come not to praise Caesar but to bury him." (Then he keeps saying "Brutus is an honorable man," but it turns out he doesn't mean that literally....)
Click to expand...

A goodie, but not for when all your braincells are on overtime or bunking off from the job
 
Some classic put downs;

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison,"
and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
- Robert Redford

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx


:)
G2
 
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes
and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position
that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for
sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

:)
G2
 
Another true story, funny to some, maybe not to others.
I worked my way though college, had a 2am to 6am job at local post office, In the bathroom there were marble floors, marble stall partitions, marble swinging stall doors, all the walls were covered in marble. All spit and polished, I got my first look at Government efficiency there. On the stainless steel paper towel dispenser was a bright red label, Why use two when one will do? That bathroom alone probably cost the government 250,000.00 and they are worried about a few paper towels.
 
Lord's Prayer
(Children's Version)​

Our Father, harped in heaven, Hallowe'en Thy name.
Thy King done come. Thy will be done on earth as
it is in heaven. Give us each day our jelly bread.
And forgive us our press passes, as we forgive those
who press past us. And lead us not into Penn Station, but deliver us from Emil. For vine is the kingdom
and the powder and the glory forever ----A man."​
 
Love​

The delusion that one woman differs from another.

The triumph of imagination over intelligence.

-H.L. Mencken​
 
At twenty, a girl will ask: "Is he good-looking?"
At thirty, she asks, "Is he rich?"
At thirty-five, she cries, "Where is he?!"
 
Love---- male

Dear Jennie,
I luv you. Do you luv me?
Joey

Love---- female

Dear Joey:
No! I do not love you!
Love,
Jenny
 
Copied from another forum, but it fits here, posted by Fitzo the knife maker.

The New Preacher

As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another,


"I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 30 years!"
 
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?


Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock for 6am.
(MADE IN JAPAN )
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(FROM SAUDI ARABIA)
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end
of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(MADE IN MALAYSIA),
Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL )
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered
why he can't find
a good paying job
in AMERICA ...
 
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