Clean jokes...

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Gary W. Graley said:
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
Click to expand...

That reminds me of the newlywed husband who got up to go to work the morning after the wedding and left a $20 bill on his pillow. Just as he started to turn the doorknob to leave he realized what he did and ran back to the bedroom to retrieve the $20. On the pillow was $15 change. Ouch!:D
 
Dustin Golat said:
Two Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.' Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'

'Yes, I do have a wife.'

'And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.' Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Jim Bob says, 'What's that?'

Bubba says, 'I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'
Click to expand...

I also hope it's not a repeat. It's been a bit since I read all the other 16 pages...
 
I wasn't sure if this should go into this thread or over in political;;)


ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN, OR A REDNECK


Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
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Democrat's Answer:

  • Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
  • Does the man look poor or oppressed?
  • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
  • Could we run away?
  • What does my wife think? What about the kids?
  • Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
  • What does the law say about this situation?
  • Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
  • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
  • Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
  • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
  • If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
  • Should I call 9-1-1?
  • Why is this street so deserted?
  • We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
  • This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

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Republican's Answer:


BANG!

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Redneck's Answer:

  • BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
  • Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
  • BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
  • Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
  • Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
  • Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
 
(I got this in an email with pics but cant find it now so no pics will have to do. Also again, I hope this is not a repeat. Enjoy.)

A dog came into the garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later he went to the door and I let him out. the next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
 
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'



'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'



His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

'Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'



'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.



His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '



Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.



His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'



The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.



Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him to the bathroom and she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

"She's not my wife "
"She's not my wife " .
"She's not my wife " .
"She's not my wife " .





His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
 
Room 302 ...

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."
 
Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver
of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... Sometimes, life seems like...um,
suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car
and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close
at me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him
and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

........and that's when the fight started.
 
Forgive me but I just have to get this off my chest:

It's a pretty sad state of affairs when no one has heard a clean joke to post in almost a week.
 
How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?



A Fish!!!




Two muffins are sitting in the oven when one of them says "Man, it's hot in here" The other one says "Holy Crap!! A talking muffin!!"
 
How many knife collectors does it take to change a light bulb?

















Five: One to hold the bulb, four to turn the ladder.
Jim
 
How many Chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one....
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But it takes 5 more visits afterwards :)
G2
 
A skeleton walks in, sits down at the bar and says, "Hey, Bartender! Get me a beer,... and a mop.
 
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local WalMart.

Dear Mrs.Brown,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Brown are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants and large knives were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager
 
This is a rough excerpt of a florist's advert on RSA radio this last mothers' day:

Customer: "Hello I am calling from Harare would like to send some flowers to my mother in Zimbabwe."
Florist: " Sure, they are a little expensive this year as they use to come from Zimbabwe and since their farms are gone we have to source from elsewhere"
Customer: " A large bouquet please to Harare"
Florist: " Wouldn't you like one for your President as well?"
Customer: "Why would I want to do that"
Florist: "Because he (Mugabe) is the biggest mother of them all!"
 
Carol was furious when she came home unexpectedly and caught her husband in bed with a lady midget.

"You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again," she stormed.

Shrugging his shoulders her husband quips:

"Well, as you can see, I'm tapering off."
 
BIRTH ORDER OF BABIES
1st Baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd Baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd Baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes

PREPARING FOR BIRTH
1st Baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd Baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd Baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

THE LAYETTE
1st Baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd Baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd Baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

WORRIES
1st Baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby
2nd Baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first born.
3rd Baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

PACIFIER
1st Baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd Baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd Baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

DIAPERING
1st Baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd Baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd Baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

ACTIVITIES
1st Baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd Baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd Baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

GOING OUT
1st Baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd Baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd Baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

AT HOME
1st Baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby..
2nd Baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd Baby: You spend a bit of every day hiding from the children

SWALLOWING COINS ( a favorite):
1st Child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd Child: When a second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd Child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children...or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children...
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)


***Grandchildren: Your reward for allowing your children to live!!! :D
 
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston ... A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends, after reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.

I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Eternally,

Your loving husband.

PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here
 
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