Clean jokes...

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My wife is watching gymnastics on tv and looking at some of the women athletes reminded my of this joke.

A female weight lifter enters her coach's office. The conversation goes something like this.

She: Hi coach. I'd like to talk to you about those injections that you have been giving me.

He: Is there a problem?

She: Yes, I have hair growing on my chest.

He: Really? How far down does it go?

She: All the way down to my testicles, which is something else I wanted to mention
 
James Todd said:
BIRTH ORDER OF BABIES
1st Baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd Baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd Baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes

PREPARING FOR BIRTH
1st Baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd Baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd Baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

THE LAYETTE
1st Baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd Baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd Baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

WORRIES
1st Baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby
2nd Baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your first born.
3rd Baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

PACIFIER
1st Baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd Baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd Baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

DIAPERING
1st Baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd Baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd Baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

ACTIVITIES
1st Baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd Baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd Baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

GOING OUT
1st Baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd Baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd Baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

AT HOME
1st Baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby..
2nd Baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd Baby: You spend a bit of every day hiding from the children

SWALLOWING COINS ( a favorite):
1st Child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd Child: When a second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd Child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children...or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children...
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)


***Grandchildren: Your reward for allowing your children to live!!! :D
Click to expand...

I need two find out from my wife where child 1 and 2 went. Seems like we started on baby 3.
 
American Elections from an Irish Point of View


The Irish are such clear thinkers: 'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why
you are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a witch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer,
running against a lawyer who is married to a witch who is a lawyer. On
the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking rich woman
who owns a beer distributorship. What are you lads thinking over
there?'
 
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared
to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred
used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time,
so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he
was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died.
I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration
there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud,
"Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

:)
G2
 
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

-Rodney Dangerfield
 
Three boys stood around bragging about their fathers

The first boy said that his dad was so fast that he could shoot an arrow and run down to the end of the range and catch it in his hand.

The second boy said that his dad was so fast that he could shoot a gun and run down to the end of the range and catch the bullet in his hand.

The third boy said that, is nothing, his dad is so fast that when he gets off work at 4Pm he is always home by 3:30 Pm.
 
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."
 
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
 
An elderly man, on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man
looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of
car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million
dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it
cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'
states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man
says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to
show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it,
and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It
seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be and suddenly WHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?'
the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the
accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on
the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his
Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at
275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the
gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320
mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing
down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's
nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the
back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the
old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old
guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... is there anything I can do for
you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from
your side view mirror'.
 
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's
Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
 
The following was seen in a Florida newspaper:
Ever had a day like this?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.
 
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

4. Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.

5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
 
James Todd said:
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

4. Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.

5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
Click to expand...

Damned if you do and damned if you don't?:confused::D
 
Differences Between Man and Women
Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.


Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
 
Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
 
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